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HANSEL AND GRETEL: WITCH HUNTERS (2013)

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HANSEL AND GRETEL: WITCH HUNTERS (2013)

Saturday, 30 March 2013 19:36

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Written by 

The Buzz:

 

     Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton star as the title characters Hansel and Gretel in tale which follows the Grimm Brothers' creations as adults who hunt down and extinguish the remnants of those who attempted to eat them as children. Bloody, dark, and full of attempts at fast paced action this film tries to be a fun genre film and just marginally succeeds.

 

 

It's good to see that sisters always have each other's back.

 

 

Life of the Party:

 

     If you like campy bloody deaths this movie has you covered, if you like naked red headed women it's got that, if you like staring at Hawkeye from the Avengers this picture will scratch that itch. This movie has character and style in spades. That's one thing that I will not fault it. Costume design is great, sets are pretty well done, just all in all the stage is set is exceptionally. Even though the styling is a bit anachronistic, it seems to be part of it's dark fantasy charm. The makeup for a lot of the witches is quite well done as well and even though CG is used to show transitions between normal looking Famke Janssen (the head of the dark witches), the film was kind enough to predominantly use classic makeup and prosthetics to create the desired looks. Even for the Troll that serves the witches. If you've been reading the site you probably already know how much we here at Tanked Matinee really appreciate that. 

 

Potential Hangovers:

 

     For all of the potential this movie had as a campy fun romp (you know… the kind of thing we love here) it ultimately falls flat all too often. I thought this was going to be a kind of entertaining big budget B-Movie in hiding like Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Slayer (the premise is even similar! And title layout!) and I was disappointed. The jokes are crap and I groaned instead of laughed. The action is trite and cliche and mostly just chasing people through woods and punching each other in the face. It's relatively uninspired which is sad considering how much fun could have been had with magic powers and cool witch hunter gadgets. I mean there are smatterings of that, but they're few and far between and when they occur they're the lowest fruit on the tree creatively. That's not to say this movie is complete garbage, it's just not good. It is like a puzzle missing one or two pieces so even though you can see what the intention is you just keep being drawn to those holes and it ends up just sitting in the box on the shelf because it's not as enjoyable to put together again as all your other puzzles without those last missing pieces.

 

     I also want to point out a problem I had in the plot where Famke Janssen's plan requires the heart of a Good Witch… so they have to sacrifice Gretel. Except Gretel isn't a witch. And there is another ACTUAL white witch there that they could have kidnapped and sacrificed, but they ignored her… I still am not sure what the fuck was going through their minds. Another clear cut case of evil losing because they're fucking dumb as hell.

 

 

*fart noise*

 

 

The Vibe: Casual Gathering - Large Party

 

    This movie can be only improved by friends and booze. It's probably NOT good that I saw it in a quiet theater where people expect everyone to hush and pay strict attention to the movie. It's under close scrutiny where this movie falls apart. With friends laughing and distracting you you can gloss over the less polished areas of this and probably appreciate the film for what it was really going for. It's rare that we DON'T recommend drinking with any of our reviews… I mean it's half the point of this site, right? So yeah, drink. Drink heavily, maybe. For this I don't think it particularly matters what so long as you're buzzed enough to be able to watch a less than stellar film. Drink every time a casual reference to another Grimm Fairytale is made. Also drink any time Hansel or Gretel drop a weapon. Or perhaps drink every time someone flies through a wall or tree. Any or all of the above will keep you in the correct state of mind for this film.

 

Plus/Minus:

+ Great character and style

+ Bloody!

- Terrible sense of humor

- Plot holes

- Falls short on it's potential

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About Us

Tanked Matinee is the place to go for good drinking movies. What do we mean by that? Simply speaking, we evaluate and recommend entertainment media based on how much fun it is to watch with friends on the sofa and a cold beer in hand.

Everyone knows "The Godfather" is a great movie, but is it as great to drink with as "Roadhouse?" We can appreciate "Citizen Kane" as a masterpiece of cinema, but is it as good a centerpiece for your party as "Santa Clause Conquers the Martians?"

Tanked Matinee appreciates film as art, but when you're kicking back on Friday night with a tall Rum & Coke, you're not looking for art, man, you want to be entertained. We're here to recommend the best movies for your night in, whether it's a big party, small get-together, or just a quiet night alone with a bottle of wine or three.

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