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THE PROTECTOR (2007)

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THE PROTECTOR (2007)

Wednesday, 10 July 2013 22:09

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Written by 

The Buzz


Cooler poster, frankly.

     A young Tony Jaa with nothing to lose (except a couple elephants) and everything to prove (by punching people through doors) sets out on a course of revenge to beat up an old woman and elderly man, who I promise are evil and deserve it. Its Thai name is Tom Yum Goong after the restaurant in the movie; The Protector I guess just means protector of elephants? The plot is kindof lost in translation, but the martial arts are not. Let me stress; this is one of our favorite martial arts movies. I'm pretty sure most of the extras died of elbow-impact-related injuries. No wires, no bullshit, nothing but brutal 8-points muay-in-the-big-city mayhem for the right around 90 minutes it runs. Also, the soundtrack was by the RZA. Bonus! And he doesn't show up in the movie. Double Bonus!

 

The Life of the Party


    The action in this movie is mindbending and brutal. This is a Baa-Ram-Ewe and Magnolia distribution (much like Chocolate, another one we love) that followed right on the heels of Tony Jaa's mainstream breakout Ong Bak: The Thai Warrior. It follows in the same vein; crushing blows, flowery fight scenes, and a body count that looks like Thai River City Ransom. It is silly, nonsensical fun, the choreography is lightning fast, and (unlike Ong Bak), the environments are varied and spectacular. The last fight scene in particular may be my favorite. We lovingly refer to it as the House of 1000 Broken Limbs scene. There is another scene that is the longest no-cut fight scene in all of movie history, so it has that going for it. Oh, and Tony Jaa doesn't open a door once in the whole movie. He only goes into closed rooms by kicking people through the door. Seriously. He does it like eight times.

 

HE'S HEATING UP

 

Potential Hangovers

     This movie is not for everyone, even some martial arts fans. If you like chop sockey silliness and the paddle-slapping sound effects they used, this is like Saving Private Ryan of flowery martial arts movies. The impacts feel real and totally make you cringe. A plus for some. Not as much for others. Secondarily, the story is worthless. It's pretty much an intro cutscene before someone gets kicked through a door, and it doesn't really stop after that. At the end at the big reveal, you'll probably scratch your head and wonder why it matters, but then Tony Jaa breaks all the men with his elbows and you forget that the story kindof sucks.

 

The Vibe: Man-Cave, Group Experience

Looks like Bruce Lee    This is a movie that demands to be cheered at. It is like Cirque du Soleil of Muay Thai. The fights are nuts, the enemies rival video game characters in how EXTREEEEEEEEEME they are (you will cry about how literal that is in one of the first fights), and it never lets go of the viewer's attention. Some may call this ADD entertainment. I call it excellent beer-chugging entertainment. Put this one on for your guy friends or your raucous party demanding to be entertained by an acrobatic cacophony of punches. It will punch you through a door.

 

 Plus/Minus

 + Fists

+ Elbows

+ And Knees

+ Oh my, that is a huge guy, what is he, like seven foot fourteen?

- Subtitles (but so few actual lines of dialogue that you may not notice)

- Awful story (I mean seriously, they have the most ill-advised 3D sequence ever)

 

Drinking Game Suggestions

Drink 1 when they would probably have gone to the hospital

Drink 2 when someone probably died from that impact

Chug heartily when someone in the room cringes verbally

Hard Mode: Take a shot every time every time Tony Jaa uses a person to enter a room

 

 

Read 1518 times Last modified on Thursday, 11 July 2013 23:52

About Us

Tanked Matinee is the place to go for good drinking movies. What do we mean by that? Simply speaking, we evaluate and recommend entertainment media based on how much fun it is to watch with friends on the sofa and a cold beer in hand.

Everyone knows "The Godfather" is a great movie, but is it as great to drink with as "Roadhouse?" We can appreciate "Citizen Kane" as a masterpiece of cinema, but is it as good a centerpiece for your party as "Santa Clause Conquers the Martians?"

Tanked Matinee appreciates film as art, but when you're kicking back on Friday night with a tall Rum & Coke, you're not looking for art, man, you want to be entertained. We're here to recommend the best movies for your night in, whether it's a big party, small get-together, or just a quiet night alone with a bottle of wine or three.

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