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Horror Tanked Matinee: Where the Movies Come to Drink! Wed, 28 Jun 2017 05:21:43 +0000 Joomla! - Open Source Content Management en-gb THE COLONY (2013) THE COLONY (2013)

The Buzz:

        Some time in the future man has discovered how to control the weather (since apparently in that universe there has never been dozens of movies made showing just how bad an idea this can be). And sure enough, it's all gone to hell, and now Earth is stuck in a permanent ice age, with survivors living in small colonies. When our heroes receive a distress call from a nearby colony that then goes silent, and expedition is sent out, which causes an avalanche of events that spiral out of control (a description about as cliché as this film).


Life of the Party:

        It's a post-apocalyptic survival-horror film. You've seen The Colony maybe a dozen times before, with key details changed to encompass a large variety of disasters, reasons to leave relative safety, and bad guys. And while this movie is hardly the leader of this pack, it is at least decently made and produced; so if you're looking for a middle-film in your survival-horror movie night, then The Colony could certainly find it's way into this coveted spot where most people are now too drunk to really care what they're watching, but don't want it to be so bad as to spoil the party.


Is it just me, or does that look ripped right out of Mass Effect?

Potential Hangovers:

        There is really nothing stand-out in this film. Which is somewhat disappointing with names like Fishburne and Paxton on the front cover (well...OK, maybe not THAT disappointing, but you get my point). There's so little originality or risk in this film that I for one felt somewhat let down.

        Though if I did have to make one major complaint, it's that I feel the pacing of The Colony was way off, and that the story needed a rewrite. What would be the mid-film climax in most movies is the ending of The Colony, and what would normally be considered the building up is the climax. They spend so much time building the scene and the suspense that it seems like they forgot that the story needs a proper ending, and so instead we get cheated out of a proper one. Plus there's a major plot point (won't say what here, but you may be able to guess?) that comes up, promises to have a huge impact on the story, but is then never resolved because we're out of runtime.


Game over man!

The Vibe: Casual Gathering

        The Colony isn't necessarily a “bad” movie; it falls into more of the “meh” category of film. Nothing will wow you, but nothing will completely turn you away (well, maybe one scene of gore, but that's about it). For it to achieve maximum effect, I highly recommend making it maybe the second film of your movie night (for reasons stated previously).



+/- Nothing really great, nothing really bad


Drinking Game Ideas:

~ Drink every time someone mentions having a “choice”

~ Drink every time someone mentions the snow/ice age/cold

~ Drink whenever someone mentions “supplies”

]]> (Enuncia) Horror Fri, 24 Jan 2014 12:00:00 +0000
APOLLO 18 (2011) APOLLO 18 (2011)

The Buzz:

     So I evidently have a burning desire to see every found footage style film available on Netflix, and this one was a recent update to the site.  The main difference with this particular film is that I actually remember hearing about it and seeing commercials; most of these types of movies do not get press.  This film hypothesizes that Apollo 17 was not the last trip we took to the moon, that there was one in secret that ended poorly to say the least.  To give an idea of what to expect the tag line is, “There’s a reason we didn’t go back”, and the reason evidently was because 90 minutes feels like an eternity there.  Without further delay I present to you my latest in my increasing obsession, maybe fetish with found footage, enjoy and remember not to go to the moon.







 Life of the Party:

     The storyline of this film is actually pretty solid, and if tweaked a little differently it could have been tense and thrilling; the setting was ripe for that kind of feel.  The effects used on the film had to look aged as the story was taking place in the heyday of space travel.  They did a hell of a job with the costuming, and the sets matched that perfectly.  I really got sucked into the feel of the film.  As in most found footage films the action is always at the corner of your eye and leaves you guessing what exactly you saw.  Also the last ten to fifteen minutes of the film keep you going and provides a hell of an ending.


Yeah, this doesn't work out...


Possible Hangovers:

     While the last 15 minutes makes the film worth a watch there happens to be 65 to 70 minutes before that of the everyday life of people on the moon; a lot of sleeping and cliché.  The film just never picks up pace until the end; there is implied terror, but nothing real.  The closest thing you get is some scratching and basically annoyance and coms that go out a lot more than they should.  The saddest part is the big monster reveal…they are fucking rocks with legs.  And my biggest beef, this is found footage…HOW?! They died in space how the fuck did you get his handycam footage?


Seriously Rocks with Fucking Legs!


The Atmosphere: (Movie Night - House Party)

     This movie needs to have [EDITOR'S NOTE: copious amounts of] alcohol with it if viewed alone, but with friends it could be fun.  Good to have on in the background and watch the final fifteen minutes.  It’s a shame to see something with so much potential just go in a bad direction.


Drinking Games:

~Drink when someone is sleeping

~Drink when someone says Houston

~Drink when you hear an odd, but not scary noise

~HARD: Drink when you see moon rocks

]]> (Nick Schmidt) Horror Fri, 10 Jan 2014 12:00:00 +0000

The Buzz:

        An English sound engineer (in what I believe to be the 70's?) is brought in to work on an Italian horror film. But the entire project is surrounded by dysfunction, and soon the lines between fiction and reality become blurred.


Life of the Party:

        Let me start this section by stating that probably my absolute favorite thing about the movie is that it's one of the most disturbing, unsettling horror film I've seen in a while, which is especially amazing as it doesn't have ONE scene of gore, violence, or nudity. It all takes place in the sound studio during film post-production, and you never even see any of the film that they're working on. All you get is a brief synopsis of what scene they're about to do, and then watch a guy stab a cabbage in time with screams, or rip radishes apart, or some similar action. EVERYTHING is left to your imagination, and that's what truly makes Berberian Sound Studio effective.

        It's also a real film & sound geek's film, since it also serves as one massive "behind the scenes" of how movie scenes were made back then in the days of exploitation films. Add to that the fact that this is an extremely well executed and produced piece of cinema, and Berberian Sound Studio should easily earns its way onto your watch list.


This woman will freak you the hell out, trust me on this one

Potential Hangovers:

        If I have to find a negative in this film, it has to be the ending. I'm still trying to figure it out. Though as I'm sure Alex can back me up on, this might be appropriate since a lot of the old Italian exploitation films we've seen also have completely nonsensical endings. The last 20 minutes or so make next to no sense to me, which while I don't mind it overmuch, can be a turnoff for some people.


Every single thing in this picture is now available inside of Garage Band

The Vibe: Casual Gathering, Solo Experience

        Berberian Sound Studio is best enjoyed either solo, or with a small group of friends who are committed to actually watching the film (novel idea, we know). A combination of this being a dialogue driven film (some of it in subtitles), and it not having any real "action" or startling visual effects means you actually have to pay attention (again, novel idea).



+ Very inventive

+ Very well executed

- The ending


Drinking Game Ideas:

~ Drink for every scream

~ Drink every time they move a fader on the mixing board

]]> (Enuncia) Horror Wed, 08 Jan 2014 12:00:00 +0000

The Buzz:

     Have you ever read one of those synopses on Netflix that sounded so freaking amazing and wonderful that you had to see it that instant?  I was recently tricked into this exact situation by the malevolent gods that control that great movie catalog in the sky.   The film was based on an entire town of people just standing up one day and walking into the woods in 1940.  The town numbered slightly over 500 and after a few days law enforcement went down the path and found over 300 people either frozen or horribly mutilated.  Everything was swept under the rug until the Freedom of Information Act allowed some documentarians to get access to the files and this is their journey.  Sounds like an interesting premise right?  Unfortunately that is on the title card that begins the film; below I will discuss what followed.






Life of the Party:

     The acting is pretty good and the feeling is pretty eerie especially when they start hearing the music that comes from everywhere at once.  People in the group start going crazy and everything falls apart, sound interesting?  Yeah well that brings us to….


The Note Says "Please Edit Me Out...."


Possible Hangovers:

     It’s just not interesting.  The plot fails to develop past an eerie sense of foreboding that leads to an ultimate climax of….NOTHING!  The movie is basically just some people wandering through the woods going insane in the homicidal nature.  The characters have no development at all; the most interesting thing about each character is in the way they die.  The “horror” effects are pretty stupid; the major effect is a girl getting her leg ripped off, by a normal guy.  The amount of force he uses is barely enough to snap an O-Ring on a GI Joe let alone tear off a human leg.  And lastly the fucking ending was intentionally left vague and unfulfilling by the director so we could draw our own conclusions.  Fuck them!  If I wanted to fucking think about what the fuck YOUR movie was about I would have made the damn thing on my own!  If you could not figure out how to end your shit, write a different script!  Don’t give us some half-assed piece of shit you Fucktard!


I like mine Extra Crispy...


The Atmosphere (House Party):

     Put this on in the background, get drunk, and make fun of it…please don’t invest too much time in it.


Drinking Games:

~Drink while the movie is playing…that is all!


*Drops Mic and Leaves*

]]> (Nick Schmidt) Horror Fri, 20 Dec 2013 07:44:56 +0000
THE BAY (2012) THE BAY (2012)

The Buzz:

     Growing up on the Eastern Shore of Maryland was a unique experience for a young kid; it was boring, but at least there was nothing to do.  This part of Maryland is very different than what most people picture of the state; it is mainly farmland and wetlands.  One of the biggest threats to the way of life there is ecological, because the economy thrives on healthy water.  This film tackles this huge fear in a very plausible and quasi-scientific way.  This is another found footage style film, which seems to be a kick that I am on.  It’s horror in some ways, but it doesn’t really fit any genre 100%.  If you have an hour and a half to kill and want a good way to make the clock speed on, give this film a shot.








Life of the Party:

     It seems that with every one of these found footage style films that I watch, I am continuously impressed by the creative ways they find to show the action.  The film centers on a webcast for a new station, FaceTime conversations, Skype calls, dashboard cams, and even home video.  The fact that they used all of these to literally document every moment of the incident really does a lot to bring you into the moment, so to speak.  The film flashes from past to present and tracks the discovery of the pathogen, until it attacks the town.  The creature and gore effects are pretty damn well done for a film of this type, and look real rather than just cheesy.  The acting goes a long way to selling the story and fear as well; it is a group of nobodies, and I think that makes us relate to them even more.  The biggest surprise of the movie for me was the end credits though, when I saw this was directed by fucking Barry Levinson!  If that doesn’t make any sense, just look him up….I’ll wait….okay I mean Holy Shit right?!


Hi There!


Possible Hangovers:

     If you don’t like found footage style films then you simply will hate this movie, because this is the grand-daddy of them all.  Also it has some light gore and if you do not like the creepy crawlies then this is the wrong film for you.  Otherwise I see no issues with any part of this film, except that it might not interest everyone because of its ecological message.


Smile for the Camera!


The Vibe: (Casual Gathering, Marathon Worthy)

     I think with the right group of people both of these vibes could apply; it fits great in a found footage marathon, which is becoming a genre within itself.  Also I think these films are ripe for the casual drinking of a group of people because you can laugh at the screams, and the scares are that much better a little bit buzzed.


Drinking Games:

~ Drink when you see a bug

~ Drink when a chicken is mentioned

~ Drink when you see a wound/sore

~ HARD MODE: Drink when you see or hear the word water

]]> (Nick Schmidt) Horror Fri, 20 Dec 2013 07:26:42 +0000
MANIAC (2012) MANIAC (2012)

The Buzz:

     Shock horror pretty much died in the 80’s, or I should say shock horror of any decent quality at least.  One of the most shocking and disturbing films from that genre is one of Tom Savini’s  greatest works, a little film starring Joe Spinelli called Maniac.  I only discovered recently that one of the most detested films of all time was remade in 2012; basically the same movie with new faces.  Having seen the original and felt dirty for years after doing so, I made the brilliant decision that I gotta watch this one too.  I am glad I did!  I was treated to a well-acted piece of modern shock horror that all fans should see.









The Life of the Party:

     This film was made as a loving tribute to a criminally bad film, but the people in charge really tried to make this a work of art.  The thing that will strike you right from the start is that the story is told from the characters eyes, literally; you rarely see him in anything but mirrors or pictures.  This really works because you get a true sense of him losing his mind from his muttering and first person visions.  The film is a modern day Psycho in the way of Frank’s relationship with his dead mother; there is no body face of his career and this film just pushes the envelope so much further.  He is terrific as the aforementioned Maniac; he owns the role and doesn’t shrink away like some stars would at violence and sex.  His character’s career at mannequin restoration goes to make the film just that much creepier and crawlier, as the soulless eyes of mannequins are just hell-like.  The film does have some intense violence and sexual situations, but the way they are put on screen are not to glorify them, but to make them feel dirty.  If you are a fan of horror and have not tried the shock horror sub-genre this is a happy medium that would make a great first adventure.




Potential Hangovers:

     This film is not for the squeamish; let me be clear on that point.  It has intense scenes of sex and violence, and even sexual violence that may keep a majority of people steering far away from this film.  The film also gives a deeply disturbing look into the human psyche that some people just might not want to see.  This film kind of reminds me of Taxi Driver, in the sense that you either love it or you hate it; there really is no middle ground.


And With That Frank's Dream of being a Hairdresser was over...


The Atmosphere: (Casual Gathering, House Party)

     I think this film can be a solo experience, but speaking as someone who watched it alone in a dark basement it can really turn you o….I mean make you feel dirty….yeah that’ it.  But there are two times this can work well: in a gathering of like-minded folks with some alcohol, or as background noise in a house party with LOTS of alcohol.  Either way sounds like a good time to me!


Drinking Games:

~ Drink when someone is looking at Frank like he’s crazy

~ Drink when someone shies or turns away from Frank

~ Drink when you see Frank’s face

~ HARD MODE: Drink when you see a mannequin

~ IMPOSSIBRU MODE: Drink when any type of blood is on screen 

]]> (Nick Schmidt) Horror Fri, 13 Dec 2013 12:00:00 +0000
Grave Encounters 2 (2012) Grave Encounters 2 (2012)

The Buzz:

     This is another found footage film from The Vicious Brothers, and set ten years after the original film.  This is a little different of a take on the ghost horror genre because in this case the film is literally going all Meta and basing itself on another found footage film.  There are certainly more scares in this installment as they try to address the main issue in the series, but the story is still pretty solid.  The movie even starts with vlogs reviewing the first film on YouTube and one of the reviewers turns out to be the main character.  If you are a fan of the found footage genre you should definitely give this film a shot like I did, you won’t regret it.









The Life of the Party:

     This film is immensely clever in how it goes about telling the story of a haunted Asylum and the terrible things that happened there.  The main character is an amateur filmmaker obsessed with the horror genre and he gives the original film a bad rating.  He gets a series of comments that lead him to the same asylum from the first film, and then their fates are sealed.  Along the way he goes from criticizing the film to proving it was real and peddled as a movie to consumers.  He drags his friends and fellow filmmakers to the same place and ultimately to their deaths.  This film is a lot more psychological than the first one and has a lot of fun with that aspect.  I also think the use of the variety of cameras and camera devices in the film are very inventive and fun.


Infrared Fart, Fucking Brilliant!


Possible Hangovers:

      This can be a bit of a shaky-cam mess with over the top acting and a very predictable story.  But who cares?  It’s a pretty fun film all around.  If you don’t like this kind of stuff then you probably didn’t watch the first one which is kind of a pre-requisite anyway.  So don’t watch it if you don’t like this kind of flick, but if you do then you should enjoy Grave Encounters 2, as it’s a good time.


Looks like Aragorn found the Meth...again...


The Atmosphere: (Casual Gathering, Marathon Fodder, House Party)

      As mentioned in my review for the first film, I enjoyed this greatly as a solo experience, but I am a sad and strange man.  This should be enjoyed with liquor and friends and preferably following the first film.  You will have as much fun laughing at these films as you will drinking to them.


Drinking Games:

 ~ Drink when the main character is a douche

~ Drink when you see a horror stereotype

~ HARD: Drink when someone breaths heavy on camera

]]> (Nick Schmidt) Horror Fri, 06 Dec 2013 12:00:01 +0000
Grave Encounters (2011) Grave Encounters (2011)

The Buzz:

     You know all those crappy haunting shows?  What if they were in fact real and came across a true haunted place?  This is the premise of Grave Encounters.  The film is introduced as a found footage compilation by the producer who says it’s from a TV show of the same name.  What we get is a behind the scenes filming of the show as well as a partially finished episode.  When things start to go to hell, like they do, we get to see the various fates of the characters from their point of view.  If you can deal with a “shaky-cam” film, this has a lot to offer and is quite well crafted.








The Life of the Party:

      Going into this film I will admit that even I was skeptical about what possible crap that I had wandered into.  Instead I realized pretty quickly that this movie had a lot to offer in the ways of comedy and pretty much knowing that is a satire of stupid reality TV.  At one point they see a gardener and ask him about the hauntings and are given the answer that he just started working there.  But after cutting the take and paying the guy some money, they start filming again and they ask about hauntings, and he immediately says they happen all the time.  The film has a few good scares scattered throughout and the effects are basic, but I think quite effective.  The neatest part of the whole experience is most likely when the building starts shape shifting.  The deaths are interesting and as far as a found footage flick, I think it really does a hell of a good job.


Well At Least They Are Friendly Ghosts...


Possible Hangovers:

     I think you could pull this film apart with hangovers if you want to nitpick it to death, considering the type of film it is.  If I was to say anything bad about the film as a whole I would have to say that it is very predictable; not bad, it’s just easy to figure out.  I think more could have been done with the effects too, as they are nothing we haven’t seen a hundred times over.  Even with those issues this film has a lot to offer and I think is far more interesting than the Paranormal Activity series.


Wait....We're Out Of.....................................................PIE!?!?!


The Atmosphere (Marathon Fodder, Casual Gathering, House Party):

     I enjoyed this movie a lot watching by my lonesome, but I think this film is best enjoyed like sex, with as many people as possible.  Drinking is a big plus with the film because it makes the reactions better from a crowd, and there is not a big story to miss.  I enjoyed this movie paired with other found footage films in a marathon and that was a lot of fun, but I am a lonely man….so yeah….


Drinking Games:

~ Drink when something “spooky” happens

~ Drink when someone whines or complains

~ HARD MODE: Drink whenever someone states the obvious

]]> (Nick Schmidt) Horror Fri, 06 Dec 2013 12:00:00 +0000

The Buzz:

        A meteor hits off the coast a small Irish island, bringing with it blood-sucking aliens. And worse yet, an incoming storm cuts the island off from any outside assistance. How is this remote, polite community supposed to fend off the creatures and survive till help can arrive? By getting so rip-roaring drunk the creatures can't eat them of course!


Life of the Party:

        If I had to describe Grabbers in a word, the once I'd choose is “fun.” The film is really enjoyable to watch, especially with your friends and a round of drinks. Tongue-in-cheek humor always pairs perfectly with a horror plot, and this film does it very well (it had me and Biggs 'bout rolling at various parts of the movie). The acting is good, and pretty much all of the technical aspects of the film are done quite well.

        Another small point that I appreciated in Grabbers is that it didn't fall into the modern horror-trope that things need to be super gory to be scary, and that there must be some form of blatant nudity (or near to it) to bring in viewers. Now I'm not against gore films (I watch quite a lot of them), nor am I against nudity in films, but these aspects can weed out some non-hardcore viewers. Grabbers succeeds without resorting to these measures, meaning that just about anyone can watch the film without getting turned off by the whole thing once people start dying.


Comon, I'm not the ONLY one who's woken up after a night of drinking looking like this...right?

Potential Hangovers:

        So long as you know what you're getting into (a horror-comedy that leans on comedy), then you'll be just fine. No super-gore to turn off the squemish, no porn-aspects to turn off the prude, just good, fun creature-feature-horror-comedy.


My theory is the aliens are trying to bring about the beginning of Star Trek IV

The Vibe: Casual Gathering

        Really this film is appropriate for about all forms of viewing, but I believe to get the most out of it you should really watch it with a small-to-medium sized group of friends for a night of cinema and libations. Fans of films like Shaun of the Dead will certainly appreciate Grabbers, and really in my ideal world that covers about the entirety of the readers we aim for.



+ A lot of fun to watch

+ Really funny

+ Horror film without a lot of gore/porn to turn off the non-die hards


Drinking Game Ideas:

~ It's obvious really; drink every time the characters drink (and then make sure you have a friend willing to hold your hair back later that evening)

]]> (Enuncia) Horror Fri, 22 Nov 2013 16:52:33 +0000
V/H/S (2012) V/H/S (2012)

The Buzz:

     This film is technically the first in a series with the sequel V/H/S 2, which has already been reviewed on our site.  The film is basically a montage of short films bracketed by a story that is supposed to explain why these tapes are being watched.  So it is hard to take this film and talk about it as a whole, but we can give it a shot.  If you have a thing for sci-fi and horror but a short attention span, this may very well be your cup of tea.












The Life of the Party:

     Like any compilation film using many writers and directors you are bound to have great experiences mixed with lukewarm and sometimes downright awful parts.  This film has six individual stories including the “bracket” story that links everything together.   Three of these really make the film a worthwhile Netflix diversion, I say three but it is really two whole and two halves.  The first and the final story are the strongest in the film, and a lot of it has to do with creativity of filming, because these are all supposed to be someone holding a camera.  The first story is a group of guys going out to pick up and bang women, and the camera is built into a pair of glasses that one of them wears.  They bring home two women; one is a drunk ho and the other girl is creepy as shit and just says “I like you."  Then one passes out, the atmosphere gets rapey, and then all hell breaks loose.  She literally turns into a sharp toothed vagina faced vampire and chases down the guy she likes, grows wings and takes him away; holy shit!

     The final story is a cross between a haunted house flick and an exorcism film.  In this case the buddies are supposedly going to a Halloween party that is off the grid.  This time the camera is built into one of the costumes, which in this case is a life-size nanny cam teddy bear suit.  It’s your normal haunted house thing with a girl who is possessed being yelled at from the bible in the attic.  But the story progresses effectively and the ending is fantastic.  The two other stories show promise but lack any substance; while watchable they are simply just not that interesting.  One is a weak take on a slasher at the lake story, the other is set up as a webcam session with a girl seeing ghosts, but it becomes an alien thing and just falls apart.  The first and last story makes the rest worthwhile.


.....Vagina Forehead, I do NOT lie!


Possible Hangovers:

     Outside of the two stories I have already mentioned, the major hangovers of this compilation are the story that involves a couple on a road trip, just pure garbage.  The other is the bracket story…it just makes no sense and the payoff you wait the whole film for is lackluster at best.  And let’s just get the biggest hangover out of the way….WHY THE FUCK DOES ANYONE HAVE ANYTHING ON VHS!!?!?


That's what happens when you combine Tequila, Taco Bell, and an upstairs bathroom...


The Vibe: Casual Gathering, House Party

    This film watches well in a crowd I think, because it is split up and people can drop out and return and not have a specific story to follow.  Anyone who likes horror should give this a shot, and maybe follow it with the sequel and a generous portion of alcohol.


Drinking Game Ideas:

~Drink when the camera falters

~Drink when there is a “shock” moment

~HARD: Drink when “shaky-cam” happens  

]]> (Nick Schmidt) Horror Fri, 22 Nov 2013 07:37:06 +0000