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Written by 

The Buzz:

        In (censored), a (location) (verb), which causes the (nouns) to (transformation). A (noun) is sent to (verb) the (nouns), but things soon predictably spiral out of control.

 

Life of the Party:

 

I wouldn't even give you the name of this man's film; how well did you expect this review to go?

 

Potential Hangovers:

        I tried. I really, really tried. Somehow I missed that man's name in the opening credits, but still the opening had some promise not for (this film) to be good, but at least entertaining for me at the movie's expense, like helping your unfortunately awkward friend work up the courage to chat up a cute girl at the party; what you've done is horrible, and you should be embarrassed, but at least you get to laugh a bit. And once I saw that man come on the screen as one of the minor characters, I should have run away. I should have shut it down, and moved on to something. But I tried to give (the film) the benefit of the doubt, because maybe, MAYBE I could find something to enjoy in this cinematic train wreck that was unfolding before my eyes.

        And it punished me every step of the goddamn way.

        We watch a lot of bad films here at Tanked Matinee, but we typically do so to find the hidden gems, the diamonds-in-the-rough. We love B, C, D, Independent, whatever class of films that despite their flaws and handicaps, bring something to the audience that transcends those setbacks. Take for example Total Retribution; it will win no awards, and will likely turn away many viewers before it really starts, which is a shame. I really enjoyed that movie because of the energy and sheer love of what they were doing that that cast and crew brought to the table.

        (CENSORED) had NONE of that. FUCKING NONE! Everything about it was just lazy, uncaring, and damn-near incompetent. I find the fact that IMDB estimates the film's budget at $1 million is nothing more than an insult. The fact that someone gave a man like Uwe Boll that kind of money to make this blood-flecked, worm-infested, skid-mark of a film, instead of doing something positive like feed hungry children, or donating sex-change operations to trans-genders in need, appalls me beyond relief.

        And that's why I won't even say the name of this film, and have been at least somewhat trying to keep the details that might give away the title. Because I don't want you to watch it out of morbid curiosity. I just want to impress on you that a man who loved films like Total Retribution and Osombie absolutely hated this homicide of cinema.

        And so I use this review as a call to action; no more goddamn Uwe Boll films. They're NEVER good, even in an entertaining manner. Have any of his films made money? Why do people keep giving him funds to create more late-term abortions? It's up to us, fans of the non-Hollywood cinema world, to put an end to this. I'm calling upon my probably ones of readers to help me do a small part in the fight to end Boll's career.

 

The Vibe:

        There is no “vibe” for this experience. If you see Boll's name on a film, just shut it down and move on with your life.

 

Drinking Game Ideas:

~ Force your friend who decided to watch a Uwe Boll film to do shots every time you feel disappointed in their choice of entertainment. By the end that'll be one less Boll fan to worry about.

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More in this category: « BIG MONEY HUSTLAS (2001)

About Us

Tanked Matinee is the place to go for good drinking movies. What do we mean by that? Simply speaking, we evaluate and recommend entertainment media based on how much fun it is to watch with friends on the sofa and a cold beer in hand.

Everyone knows "The Godfather" is a great movie, but is it as great to drink with as "Roadhouse?" We can appreciate "Citizen Kane" as a masterpiece of cinema, but is it as good a centerpiece for your party as "Santa Clause Conquers the Martians?"

Tanked Matinee appreciates film as art, but when you're kicking back on Friday night with a tall Rum & Coke, you're not looking for art, man, you want to be entertained. We're here to recommend the best movies for your night in, whether it's a big party, small get-together, or just a quiet night alone with a bottle of wine or three.

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