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Enjoyably Bad Tanked Matinee: Where the Movies Come to Drink! Fri, 26 May 2017 14:52:01 +0000 Joomla! - Open Source Content Management en-gb TROLL 2 (1990) TROLL 2 (1990)

The Buzz:


     Young Joshua and his family are planning a trip to Nilbog to get away for awhile. However, young Joshua discovers, just as most of you have, that Nilbog is “goblin” spelled backwards! From there on it's Josh trying to save his family from a town of shape changing, magic using... vegetarians? All while taking advice from his dead grandfather... or maybe a sociopathic hallucination; it's difficult to be sure. And he does this all by peeing on their food, eating a bologna sandwhich, touching rocks, and performing acts of necromancy.




Life of the Party:


     You should already realize this film is not a good one. In fact, it's largely considered one of the worst ones; unless you mean best movie to show young film makers on how not to make a movie. Why am I telling you this in the “Life of the Party” section? Because you wouldn't be reading this review if you weren't looking for something suitably terrible to watch in order to laugh at.


     So despite being called Troll 2 this movie has no trolls. It's all about goblins. Vegetarian goblins. That feed some weird green ooze to people to turn them into plants so they can eat them. This seems incredibly complex dietary system. Like, why don't they just go EAT ALL THE FUCKING PLANTS THAT ALREADY EXIST?! Having to trick people and chase them down and what not is a huge pain in the ass when there are just plants growing out of the ground all over the place. Hell, they live in farm country! Surrounded by woods! So the goblins are played largely by what appear to be kids and dwarves in burlap sacks stuffed with pillows and terrible masks - largely made from papier-mâché, I think.


     Also, when the goblins are transformed into humans.. they all have four leaf clover looking birth marks. WHY WOULD THEY HAVE THAT?! They aren't leprechauns! I feel like Warwick Davis should show up half way through the film and kill them all with shenanigans.



     Then there's the acting by the main cast. Oh dear sweet Christ. By the end of the movie I wanted to murder Joshua myself. As in, I was routing for his survival from goblins because I didn't want them to have the satisfaction and deny me! Then there's the fact that virtually the entire cast feels the need to half yell their lines. Not in a frightened way or startled way, just in that “dude... I'm standing right here”, kind of way.


     OH! And why the hell does the mom and dad hate their daughter's boyfriend?! They hate him cause he hangs with his friends too much? That is by far the WEIRDEST reason to hate someone ever! “Darling, you know we taught you that socializing is forbidden. We'll allow you a boyfriend because we understand the propagation of the species demands it, but he must cut all ties to his friends and join us in solitude.” That is essentially the mindset of these parents. What the fuckity fuck? The kid's friends aren't even like drug using thugs or any other kind of bad influence. They are literally just other guys.


     I could go on about ridiculous things about this movie that make it bad... and therefore hilarious to watch. But I'm wasting your time, just... go. Go watch.


This is nightmare fuel...


Potential Hangovers:


     It's hard to have any negatives in a movie that you want to watch because of all the negatives. The only thing I can think of is how close to insanity you will tread if you think too hard about this film. But that's why we do this, right? To have the darkness stare back at us and laugh in it's face. YOU CAN'T TAKE ME! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA


Mouth open, glistening skin... ummm... is this appropriate?


The Vibe: Casual Gathering


     You could watch this on your own or in any number of other social situations. But it won't do it justice. You need to be able to watch the film with little interruption and be able to turn to your buddy every 9 seconds saying “WHAT THE FUCK?!” That is how this movie am enjoyed good. Think of this as your pallet cleanser for life. Everything is wonderful. Nothing is Troll 2.





+ If you think about it, this movie is basically about how vegetarians are terrible. So... there's that.

+ Yeah, I got nothing else.

- Troll 2



Drinking Games: (You'll want these...)


- Drink every time someone says Nilbog or it appears on screen.

- Drink whenever Dad hates boyfriend (Look, I refuse to learn their names. You shouldn't either. Except Joshua. I need to know the name of my prey.)

- Finish a drink during any awkward dance scenes.

- Drink when grandpa demands Joshua be an asshole to his own family.

- Finish drink during awkward sex scene

HARDCORE MODE: Drink every time you see Joshua's teeth.

]]> (Biggs) Enjoyably Bad Fri, 18 Oct 2013 01:36:51 +0000


The Buzz:

A great and ancient evil dwells deep within the waters of the Atlantic. And it hungers for oil rigs.

     Ok, so that doesn't really sound evil. I'm going to try it again. In a world, inhabited by monsters who like oil. No, that's bad too. ok.. one last shot here: Brought to you by the Asylum, Atlantic Rim is NOT A RIP OFF OF PACIFIC RIM. See, Pacific rim is about monsters in the Pacific that have to be battled with giant robots. This movie, however, is about monsters in the Atlantic that have to be battled by giant robots that were ORIGINALLY made for search and rescue...Totally not for fighting monsters.

The Life of the Party:

     I have watched a great many Asylum movies, both their originals and knock offs, and can tell you with certainty that this not the blockbuster it is trying to emulate. That being said, there is a ton of entertainment to be gained from watching this movie with your friends. When it comes to normal positives, this movie does not have many. The real positives come from watching something so poorly made, or awfully acted that you can't help but laugh.



"Yup... I saw this.. I'm waiting for the crossover movie"

    For example: If you are the pilot of a giant mechanical battle mech, and suddenly the oxygen supply is cut off, you are not found ON THE GROUND in the next scene still quasi-conscious with your mech nowhere to be seen. I mean, that giant bastard HAS to be somewhere near by.

     For years now, I have had a dream of one day animating for the Sci-fi channel or even The Asylum. And every year that regular life gets in my way, I say “DAMNIT ALL! I’ll never be good enough to do it”. Then I watch movies like Atlantic Rim, or even Mega Python vs. Gatoroid and I think that I’m actually pretty close to achieving that goal. Like, all I need to do is mention that I once animated something when I’m sitting around at a Denny’s and some plastered dude the next booth over will be all “ for real???!! When can you start on my film: Arachnoclops vs. Piranhatron?”   And of course I’ll accept that job! Do you know how long I’ve been piecing together the concept art for Arachnoclops?


 "Not very long as it turns out"


Potential hangovers:

     There really doesn’t seem to be much of a reason for this section, what with my glowing review just now. As you’ve probably come to guess, Here at Tanked Matinee, we actually enjoy low budget, or poorly constructed movies. After all, not every movie can have a huge budget or all star cast. However, while the Asylum has made a name for themselves as being the knockoff kings, I would actually expect a little bit more from them.

"I don't know why I just said that..."

     Many of the inconsistencies and problems that show up could have easily been dealt with by having an extra take of the scene (I’m talking just a few seconds of “oops we flubbed that, redo!) or even some better editing after the fact. While the graphics are a bit cheesy and clearly low budget, they get the job done over all, I just wish someone had raised their hand and said “hey, maybe our giant mechs shouldn’t have faces that look like abstract art”.

picasso163"Actual, in-movie rendering of their mechs"



Actually, I just figured out what would make this movie better. Just imagine Rita Repulsa up on the moon looking down at "This-is-totally New York Guys" and throwing her Magic Wand down to earth. The new heroes have to call on their mystic dinosaur spirit animals to become giant robots and they.....wait... wait a sec.. sorry, I'm thinking this is Power Rangers. Damnit. Moving on. 

The Vibe:  Casual gathering, Sausage fest

     I watched this movie with a small group of friends, and I cannot imagine a situation better suited to its viewing.   Alone, the many mistakes and blunders in this movie would severely piss off any viewer with an IQ above houseplant. However, mix in a few people with a sharp wit that can bounce jokes off each other, and you have a fantastic movie to enjoy.  The plot doesn’t really require you pay attention, and the characters are so clichéd that you probably know most of the lines before they say them.


+a few pretty enjoyable action scenes reminiscent of Superhuman Samurai Surfer

+For such a low budget, the graphics aren't awful


-+the acting/editing are laughably bad, but provide plenty of ammo for roasting

Drinking ideas:

      This one is a toughy, but follow closely on this one…

Drink every time you hear "Nasawww" instead of NASA

Everytime the movie reuses a clip, start a waterfall.

Drink every time a black Chevy is on screen and do NOT stop until it is gone!

Drink every time the scene is clearly a Pacifim Rim knock off


]]> (Ben Marsh) Enjoyably Bad Tue, 23 Jul 2013 21:15:24 +0000

The Buzz:

        A small band of human commandos are trapped on a space station orbiting Earth as they battle the undead. At stake is a weapon capable of destroying the Earth itself. And one woman struggles to recover her memories of how she awoke on this space-born hell.


 Life of the Party:

        It's going to be odd to start this paragraph with the following statement, but here it is: this movie has a LOT of problems. But for much of this film I was capable of looking past all the flaws and enjoyed myself.

        The story is a good one; it's more complex than a "let's fight zombies...IN SPAAAAAAAAAAACE!" flick. I would love to go into it more, but I really can't without giving away some of the minor plot twists. And while an argument could certainly be made that it's a hodgepodge of other storylines combined into a stew of orbital intrigue, that fact that such a small budget film ($1.5 million is TINY, and that's only the estimated value (it could be much less...(In fact, it's more than likely MUCH less...[I LOVE NESTED PARENTHETICAL SETS - Editor]))) was able to pull it off speaks volumes. I believe this movie's strongest point is how much passion obviously went into the work and production of this film. This is a movie made by people who love what they do, and it shows.

        And I, for one, as a zombie nerd, find it interesting that we seem to be entering another part of the circular pattern of the zombie. There was a time during the 80's where the zombies could suddenly talk and reason. When they reemerged in our modern day they went back to the mindless flesh-hungry ghoul. Now, I've come across other films than just Total Retribution where once again the undead plague-bearers still retain a working, cunning mind. Who knows if this trend will continue...


Potential Hangovers:

        Like I said, Total Retribution is plagued with problems. The acting is just downright silly. The special effects are just laughable. And for God's sake, all the weapons in the film are spray-painted NerfTM guns (though it must be said they pull it off better than other films who use this same technique, I'm looking at you Mega Piranha)!

        It's impressive that such a small independent group was able to pull it all off, but at the end of the day this seems only a couple leagues above a handicam on dad's tripod. Imagine Alex's episode about Abe's Tomb, but with more money, and some friends with some series talent for costumes, makeup, set design, and computer graphics. For those who simply cannot stand a non-A list movie, or even those who don't go much below B movies, Total Retribution will have too much to distract you away from enjoying the film's positives, which I find to be a real shame.


The Vibe: Casual Gathering

        I really enjoyed Total Retribution. It is certainly flawed, and probably isn't in danger of making anyone's top 10 list. But if you can look past these issues, and can enjoy a film on its merits over its shortfalls, then this movie might just be for you. Find your favorite group of film-loving friends, let the drinks flow (I must say I was incredibly well lubed when I watched this...), and if you are all of the right mind I think you'll walk away satisfied.



+ A good story

+ Made with passion

- The low budget REALLY shows

]]> (Enuncia) Enjoyably Bad Sat, 27 Apr 2013 00:00:00 +0000
TEKWAR (1994) TEKWAR (1994)

The Buzz:

When you think “William Shatner,” many things probably come to mind: stilted line deliveries, a constantly-ripped Starfleet uniform, and shilling for However, not as many people know that he was also a sci-fi author, who created a series of cyberpunk novels in the late '80s and early '90s, when Gibsonian neo-noir was the current vision of the near future and people could still say “cyberspace” without snickering. Tekwar is a Canadian TV-movie adaptation of the first book in the series, which was directed by Shatner and also features him in a supporting role. The story focuses on “Tek,” a highly-addictive form of virtual reality, various druglords vying to control its supply, and an ex-cop accused of a crime he didn't commit who seeks to bring them to justice.


Life of the Party (Positives):

Tekwar's cyberpunk detective story is essentially a more brightly-lit, campier version of Blade Runner, complete with Yakuza, killer androids, a gigantic sci-fi handgun, and trenchcoats as far as the eye can see. There's plenty of nostalgic '90s cheese to be enjoyed here, including exploding suicide robots, a man-woman-machine love triangle, and, of course, Shatner's introduction as a shadowy figure seated in a glorious, LED-encrusted techno-throne. Especially charming is an extended early sequence where two hackers “jack into cyberspace”and soar through a virtual realm of SegaCD-quality visual effects and nonsensical technobabble. Viewers who lived through the '80s and '90s will get a nostalgic chuckle from the hilariously-outdated portrayals of futuristic technology; concepts that are no less absurd today than Jetsons-style flying cars or Fritz Lang's Metropolis.


Potential Hangovers (Negatives):

As a noir-style mystery, the plot has many twists, turns, and revelations, but the execution of the story comes off as a bit disjointed and lacks a smooth arc, so it may be confusing to the casual observer why the heroes are suddenly in a forest chatting with eco-terrorists so soon after that old lady was exploded by Yakuza robots. There are also some moments of truly cringe-worthy acting, often combined with copious dramatic slo-mo. If you know what to expect from a '90s TV-movie, the quality and content shouldn't be too surprising, but this is still by no means a slick Hollywood release. Also, although Shatner is credited second, his part is mostly limited to occasionally playing “The Zordon” to the heroes, and he pretty much disappears entirely during the second half of the film.

The Vibe:

Anybody nostalgic for the days of cyberspace, virtual reality, and skies the color of a TV tuned to a dead channel will enjoy this cheesy romp through all the tropes and stereotypes of the genre. This is a good beer-and-nachos movie if you have at least a couple sci-fi/action buffs in your group, but provides enough “WTF” moments for anyone to get some laughs from it.


+ A quintessentially-hokey cyber-noir drama that distills ideas from many more famous genre stories

+ Great example of a sci-fi style that's only recently crossed over into nostalgia territory

+ There's a scene where the hero defeats a murderous robot hockey player by shooting it in the crotch

+ If you drink really hard during this movie, you can make jokes about getting totally “Shat-faced”

- As a made-for-TV movie from Canada, it lacks the brutality or sensuality of its inspiration, Blade Runner

- Plot is somewhat convoluted, episodic, and lacks a real arc. The inconclusive ending just kinda peters out

]]> (Alex Lane) Enjoyably Bad Tue, 19 Feb 2013 02:06:34 +0000

The Buzz:

A small band of goth kids from the local community college head out into the desert and perform eldritch rituals as a harmless hobby, until one of them buys a book of sorcery from a strange garage sale and resurrects not only a small army of vampires buried in the desert, but also the spirit of the monster-hunter who put them there. Fight scenes, nudity, and other hijinks ensue in this direct-to-DVD independent cheapie.


Life of the Party (Positives):

Vampegeddon is perhaps the ultimate example of a charmingly cheap independent vampire movie.
Almost every scene is shot in either a back alley or the middle of the desert, because locations are expensive. The vampires are all dumpy, mincing Max Schreck knockoffs in pancake makeup. The acting is just as stilted as you might expect, with most of the players putting out performances that can most generously be described as “porno quality.”

This is strangely appropriate, because it seems like the filmmakers really should have just made a vampire-themed porn feature. The not-unpleasant-looking actresses spend most of their time dressing and undressing in various cleavagey fetish outfits, being dream-seduced while wearing transparent gossamer dresses, and engaging in lesbian frolics and gender-bending spiritual possessions. The erotic dream sequences are actually some of the best-shot moments, and the motivations for the characters to seek vampiric escapism are actually more interesting than the cliche monster-hunter character that arrives later on.


Potential Hangovers (Negatives):

The big downside to putting capes on all of your bad guys is that flowing fabric accentuates movement. This is great for showing off sophisticated, acrobatic combat, but when your fight choreography consists of a lot of hissing, hopping, and bumbling around, the bad guys look less like voracious undead and more like an army of epileptic theater curtains. The result is that while the vampire-slaying is what really drives the plot during the third act, the combat is so clunky and bland that it verges on anti-climax.

Another major weakness of this movie is that the production team needed to re-record and dub in every line of dialogue. For one thing, a line delivered in a studio is never going to be as authentic as one delivered “on-stage” in real time, making the already weak acting even more uninspired. Although only a true audiophile would have problems with the sound quality itself, the subtle detachment between what you see and what you hear makes the movie seem constantly off-balance, since the human brain is really good at noticing things that don't quite seem natural.

The Vibe:

It should be obvious that Vampegeddon is by no means a “good movie,” but it does make a “pretty good bad movie.” The story has a few creative ideas, pretty girls, and interesting visuals, balanced out by lackluster action and stilted dialogue. With such a short runtime, it's a good flick to watch first in a casual evening with a group of cheesy-movie enthusiasts, giving you plenty of time to discuss the various gaping plot holes while mixing the next round of cocktails before the main feature. Here's one issue to start with: if vampires are supposed to be extinct before the ritual occurs, then where did all those girls at the garage sale come from?

+ A “so bad it's charming” independent movie that shows plenty of heart... and other things in the chest area

+/- Plot contains a few creative twists on the usual tropes of the genre... which result in plenty of plot holes if you actually think about them

- Really lame fight scenes slow down the final act, but at least the film isn't very long to begin with

- Dubbed-over dialogue adds a surreal quality that makes the presentation seem sterile and even more poorly-acted

]]> (Alex Lane) Enjoyably Bad Tue, 12 Feb 2013 01:02:30 +0000

The Buzz:

     From Tim Kincaid, the writer/director of the MST3k-worthy “Robot Holocaust,” we have another laughably-bad sci-fi action movie. In a spectacularly 80s-looking futuristic New York City, rival corporations (or maybe criminal organizations, it's not really clear) start a bloody gang war between their armies of drug-addled cyborgs. It's up to a team of mercenaries to track down and eliminate the melting, murderous robots, using lots and lots of spin kicks and a variety of gadgets that probably looked super high-tech back in '87, you guys, I swear.

Life of the Party (Positives):

     So, first, the only legitimately good thing about this movie: the special effects. Although some of the cyborg stuff looks pretty ridiculous, like their Go-Go-Gadget Arms early on, there are plenty of examples of great practical effects in this film. When a battle-damaged evil cyborg inexplicably decides to switch sides and help the heroes, the puppet used for him, with its exposed steel endoskeleton and molten flesh, is very well-crafted, and probably took up a substantial portion of the film's budget. Sci-fi aficionados who miss the days when models were used instead of constant CGI will at least be entertained by the artistry at work here, as there are plenty of messily-exploding heads (both robot and human) to satisfy most old-school gorehounds.


     Otherwise, this is a classic riff-worthy movie, great to make fun of with friends. There's plenty to laugh about here, from the generally silly-looking cyborgs (all played by a pack of husky guys in jumpsuits who wear their sunglasses at night), to the hideously disinterested performances from the various “actors,” to the fact that the villains all wear “futuristic” black vinyl while literally every other character on the street dresses like it's, well, 1987. Computer technology is also hilarious, as the heroes' sophisticated cyborg-trackers use a screen resolution on par with an old Atari set, yet somehow pinpoint the bad guys exactly. The '80s are now just long enough ago to be inherently entertaining for their cheesiness, and this '80s vision of the future, with setting elements like “the Federation Act of two years ago, ever since the space shuttle sex murders,” is especially hokey and entertaining.

Potential Hangovers (Negatives):

     Let's be honest here: this is not a “good” movie in any way, shape, or form. The plot is confusing and the motivations of the characters, or even who the characters really are, is seldom clear. Villains do a lot of hanging around in their smoke-filled lairs, monologuing to their manservants about revenge or whatnot, but we're not sure what they want revenge FOR, or how starting a riot of murderous robots achieves anything related to it. The dramatic final showdown takes place in a run-down warehouse standing in for a futuristic facility, and though there's a lot of shouting and fighting, we just don't know why and hence, we aren't very excited about it. Character development is nil, and the whole thing comes off as a mere series of sequential events, not a story.

     If the plot is lacking, at least there's plenty of action, but even those sequences are fairly uninspired. Our first taste of the evil cyborgs' power is when two of them are completely outpaced by a woman wearing high heels, and the eventual hand-to-hand combat scene that follows isn't very impressive either, thanks to their absurdly clunky movements. The cyborgs are such awkward fighters that the writer had to pad the film with some pointless random fights against gang members, just to have a few combatants who could actually throw a punch. The fight choreography itself consists mostly of the same few martial arts moves repeated over and over (drink every time somebody does a spinning kick!) making Mutant Hunt the cinematic equivalent of watching your brother play through “Streets of Rage” on the Sega Genesis. Also, if our heroes are well-equipped future mercenaries, why don't they just use laser guns on the cyborgs instead of ineffectual karate chops?

The Vibe:

     If Mutant Hunt were a food, it would be gas station nachos - the actual meat of it is minimal and extremely bland, but with so much cheese on top, you might not even notice. Like nachos, it is also best shared with friends, so riff this movie during your next evening together in a small group, add a couple six packs, and at worst, you'll have only wasted 76 minutes.

+ The future of the 1980s was apparently exactly like the 1980s, just with more fog and wrist-mounted computers

+ Practical effects, though done three years after The Terminator, are at least on par with those flesh-covered robots

+/- Stilted delivery of extremely silly dialogue can be worth many a laugh

- Plot makes very little sense, and you won't be excited enough by the characters to care very much


]]> (Alex Lane) Enjoyably Bad Mon, 04 Feb 2013 23:38:20 +0000

The Buzz:

     M.P.v.G. is a continuation of The Asylum's proud tradition of making movies about larger-than-average animals that include the word “Mega” in the title and happen to star 1980's pop-singers. This time, the war between an army of giant snakes and a swamp full of 'roided-up alligators provides a hilarious CGI backdrop to the escalating tensions between 1980s musical rivals Tiffany (Mega Piranha) and Debbie Gibson (Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus). The film culminates in a titanic, senselessly-destructive struggle between two ferocious beasts from a bygone era. Oh, and some big reptiles fight each other, too.



Life of the Party (Positives):

     Fans of SyFy channel and The Asylum, both purveyors of silly scripts, dubious acting, and conspicuous CGI, know exactly what to expect from this movie. The majority of the entertainment value is derived from the cheese factor of the melodramatic dialogue and the spectacle of dead-eyed CGI reptiles wreaking havoc in ridiculous ways (including one moment where a snake does to a blimp what the shark did to a plane in a previous Asylum offering). SyFy and The Asylum have developed their own unique style of B-picture, and M.P.v.G. is their tongue-in-cheek-iest, camera-wink-ingest offering yet.



     In addition to the usual charms of such movies, the interaction between the two pop-star leads provides an extra layer of enjoyment. Gibson and Tiffany's characters, an eco-terrorist and a park ranger, respectively, actually have somewhat believable motivations for their conflict, but they still get to ludicrously chew the scenery in several over-the-top scenes, including the greatest catfight ever put to video. This scene and many others provide some cake to go with the movie's cheese, and although Gibson is almost alarmingly thin in this movie, Tiffany spends a large portion of the story in low-cut tops that reveal her substantial, um... acting talent. It's notable that both actresses were featured in Playboy in the early 2000s, as well.


Potential Hangovers (Negatives):

     This is a “so-bad-it's-good” movie - how much you enjoy it simply depends on your taste for such things. Although the movie is right around that 90-minute sweet spot for parties, it does seem to drag a bit at the end. The beginning and middle of the story move along with good pacing, but the final segment, a complicated scheme involving chemical pheromones, a plane crash, a nuclear plant, some messing around in caves, escaping in a helicopter, etc. really makes the ending drag. Once the monsters finally arrive in the city and start wrecking things in hilarious ways, you might be disappointed to find there's still 20 minutes left; it's kindof like a joke that the comedian keeps telling after the punchline.


The Vibe:

     Mega Python vs. Gatoroid is ideal for a gathering of any size, and can be talked over, or watched with rapt attention, and enjoyed either way. There are plenty of funny special effects to enjoy, or the dialogue can be analyzed for references to both actress' back catalog of '80s hits, of which there is at least one and probably more hidden throughout.


+ Another 21st-century B-movie in the classic SyFy/Asylum style

+ Two has-been musicians compete to see who can dress like a bigger tramp and chew more scenery

+ You get to see a giant snake swallow a train (and bonus points if you get the meta-referential humor!)

- Last 20 minutes drag substantially, providing a slow, underwhelming ending

- Characters have understandable motivations, but they still aren't truly likeable or heroic

Oh, and here's the Japanese poster, because the Japanese poster is always cooler:



]]> (Alex Lane) Enjoyably Bad Wed, 30 Jan 2013 00:57:05 +0000

The Buzz:

     A remake of a movie, based on a series of comics, Conan The Barbarian follows a Sumerian barbarian whose father and village are all killed by an evil conquerer, and who sets out on a quest for revenge. But things aren't quite so simple, as the bad guys are trying to reassemble an ancient, magical mask that will give them necromantic powers with which to take over the world.


Life of the Party:

     Um....well.....young child Conan was kind of cool....maybe....uh...


Potential Hangovers:

     This movie was just awful. And this from a guy who watches Sci-Fi Originals and The Asylum films for fun! The story makes next to no sense, nothing is ever explained, the action scenes make no sense and are just dull, the plot is incredibly old and cliché, everything about this film is just unexciting and dull. I liked the old Conan the Barbarian film; it was part of what made Arnold Schwarzenegger the action star he became, it was exciting, it was epic in its story and characters. Jason Momoa is NOT Arnold Schwarzenegger, and trying to pass him off as such felt as awkward as using Orlando Bloom in a Rocky remake.


The Vibe:

     This movie is not suitable for viewing in any situation. Solo, it was boring. As a group, it would be boring. As a party movie, it would just be stupid. I'm sure even copious amounts of drinking wouldn't make Conan the Barbarian (2011) watchable, earning this movie a slot in the “Profoundly Horrible” category.



- Just plain goddamn awful

]]> (Enuncia) Enjoyably Bad Thu, 19 Jul 2012 13:37:10 +0000

The Buzz:

A boat-full of young co-eds breaks down off a deserted island.  As if that wasn't bad enough, there's a giant two-headed shark swimming around the island, eating everything it can reach.  And as if that wasn't bad (or schlocky) enough, the island is sinking!  Talk about a shit day.

Life of the Party:

This is another film from the minds of The Asylum, so don't expect this to be an especially long paragraph.  If you're the kind of person who watches beach co-eds films to see the women in swimsuits (and maybe some skin), there's some of that, but really there's better films.  If you want to watch it for the horror element of shark attacks (made more terrifying by its ability to get a double kill), again there are better films out there.  If you're looking for an action packed adventure with thrills and cliff-hangers, don't even glance at this film.  Really, you watch this film because you've seen other Asylum films, and you feel like trolling your friends/purposefully watching a shitty film to punish yourself for some misdeed.  The only real highlight of this film is Carmen Electra finally having a role in something "big" since 2009, and Hulk Hogan's daughter playing the female lead (you didn't know he'd procreated did you?  NEITHER DID WE!).


Potential Hangovers:

            If you've ever seen an Asylum film, you pretty much know what to expect from this film.  The acting is fairly mediocre.  The writing is atrocious.  The special FX are downright laughable.  There's really nothing positive to truly say about 2-Headed Shark Attack.  And yet every once in  a while, we watch yet another Asylum film.  If watching a shitty film about a terribly rendered shark attacking bad actors doesn't turn on that special something inside you that loves exposing itself to the worst the world can offer, don't bother watching this film.


The Vibe:

If you liked films like "Mega-Shark VS Giant Octopus," and "Sharktopus," then you will enjoy 2-Headed Shark Attack (also, what the hell is wrong with you?  It's OK, join the club, it's why you're here on this website anyways).  Whether it's "shitty-movie night," or you're looking for something to put on in the background of some larger event that you don't have to pay attention to, then this movie fits the bill.  It isn't suitable for any serious viewing.  I also suggest at least some level of moderate drinking.



+  Uh.....there's some pretty ladies in the cast, so lonely men celebrate!

-  Every other goddamn thing, it IS an Asylum film


Enjoyably Bad Sat, 05 May 2012 06:41:59 +0000

The Buzz:

In a dystopian future, communist ideals have destroyed all creativity in the world (way to go you damn Ruskies), and so now people spend almost all their time in virtual worlds playing RPG video games, the most popular one being “Avalon.” Assault Girls follows four players as they seek to defeat a difficult zone of the game.

Life of the Party:

Judged solely on visuals, Assault Girls is beautiful. For a B-movie, the FX in this film are extremely well done. …Uh…wow, is that really the only positive thing I have to say about this film? Damn, I guess so.


Potential Hangovers:

Have you ever taken a class or lecture where the topic and material covered were really interesting? You were actually looking forward to learning something that sounded really cool? But then the person giving said class/lecture talked really slow, paused often to collect his thoughts, and was generally so boring that the only thing you learned was the precise amount of time it took your ass to fall asleep in that really uncomfortable chair, only to forget that time because it all passes by in a boring, mind-numbing blur? That’s what Assault Girls is like. This movie should have been awesome; with this kind of production value, talent and subject, all it needed was some awesome action scenes with some badass characters, and maybe some dry humor related to gamers and RPG’s. Assault Girls had none of these things. I wanted so desperately for this film to be good, to try and find some redeeming characteristics that would pull it out of the Tanked Matinee purgatory where it would never be viewed or talked of again, except to piss each other off by forcing other members to watch it when they lost a bet. And despite my best efforts, I was so bored by Assault Girls it was an impossible task.


The Vibe:

The only circumstance I can possibly imagine this film being good is on a REALLY big TV, and nice surround sound system, and enough hallucinogens in your system to have you swear off drugs for the rest of your life, and have that vow actually work. Because then you just might be able to delude yourself into thinking this movie is worth a damn, but then you’ll crash and realize that the time and drugs were better spent watching Enter the Void.



+ Well done visuals and production

- Every other goddamn thing


Enjoyably Bad Fri, 04 May 2012 23:19:57 +0000