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TROLL 2 (1990)

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TROLL 2 (1990)

Friday, 18 October 2013 01:36

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Written by 

The Buzz:

 

     Young Joshua and his family are planning a trip to Nilbog to get away for awhile. However, young Joshua discovers, just as most of you have, that Nilbog is “goblin” spelled backwards! From there on it's Josh trying to save his family from a town of shape changing, magic using... vegetarians? All while taking advice from his dead grandfather... or maybe a sociopathic hallucination; it's difficult to be sure. And he does this all by peeing on their food, eating a bologna sandwhich, touching rocks, and performing acts of necromancy.

 

 

 

Life of the Party:

 

     You should already realize this film is not a good one. In fact, it's largely considered one of the worst ones; unless you mean best movie to show young film makers on how not to make a movie. Why am I telling you this in the “Life of the Party” section? Because you wouldn't be reading this review if you weren't looking for something suitably terrible to watch in order to laugh at.

 

     So despite being called Troll 2 this movie has no trolls. It's all about goblins. Vegetarian goblins. That feed some weird green ooze to people to turn them into plants so they can eat them. This seems incredibly complex dietary system. Like, why don't they just go EAT ALL THE FUCKING PLANTS THAT ALREADY EXIST?! Having to trick people and chase them down and what not is a huge pain in the ass when there are just plants growing out of the ground all over the place. Hell, they live in farm country! Surrounded by woods! So the goblins are played largely by what appear to be kids and dwarves in burlap sacks stuffed with pillows and terrible masks - largely made from papier-mâché, I think.

 

     Also, when the goblins are transformed into humans.. they all have four leaf clover looking birth marks. WHY WOULD THEY HAVE THAT?! They aren't leprechauns! I feel like Warwick Davis should show up half way through the film and kill them all with shenanigans.

 

 

     Then there's the acting by the main cast. Oh dear sweet Christ. By the end of the movie I wanted to murder Joshua myself. As in, I was routing for his survival from goblins because I didn't want them to have the satisfaction and deny me! Then there's the fact that virtually the entire cast feels the need to half yell their lines. Not in a frightened way or startled way, just in that “dude... I'm standing right here”, kind of way.

 

     OH! And why the hell does the mom and dad hate their daughter's boyfriend?! They hate him cause he hangs with his friends too much? That is by far the WEIRDEST reason to hate someone ever! “Darling, you know we taught you that socializing is forbidden. We'll allow you a boyfriend because we understand the propagation of the species demands it, but he must cut all ties to his friends and join us in solitude.” That is essentially the mindset of these parents. What the fuckity fuck? The kid's friends aren't even like drug using thugs or any other kind of bad influence. They are literally just other guys.

 

     I could go on about ridiculous things about this movie that make it bad... and therefore hilarious to watch. But I'm wasting your time, just... go. Go watch.

 

This is nightmare fuel...

 

Potential Hangovers:

 

     It's hard to have any negatives in a movie that you want to watch because of all the negatives. The only thing I can think of is how close to insanity you will tread if you think too hard about this film. But that's why we do this, right? To have the darkness stare back at us and laugh in it's face. YOU CAN'T TAKE ME! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

Mouth open, glistening skin... ummm... is this appropriate?

 

The Vibe: Casual Gathering

 

     You could watch this on your own or in any number of other social situations. But it won't do it justice. You need to be able to watch the film with little interruption and be able to turn to your buddy every 9 seconds saying “WHAT THE FUCK?!” That is how this movie am enjoyed good. Think of this as your pallet cleanser for life. Everything is wonderful. Nothing is Troll 2.

 

 

Plus/Minus:

 

+ If you think about it, this movie is basically about how vegetarians are terrible. So... there's that.

+ Yeah, I got nothing else.

- Troll 2

 

 

Drinking Games: (You'll want these...)

 

- Drink every time someone says Nilbog or it appears on screen.

- Drink whenever Dad hates boyfriend (Look, I refuse to learn their names. You shouldn't either. Except Joshua. I need to know the name of my prey.)

- Finish a drink during any awkward dance scenes.

- Drink when grandpa demands Joshua be an asshole to his own family.

- Finish drink during awkward sex scene

HARDCORE MODE: Drink every time you see Joshua's teeth.

Read 853 times Last modified on Friday, 18 October 2013 01:46
More in this category: « ATLANTIC RIM (2013)

About Us

Tanked Matinee is the place to go for good drinking movies. What do we mean by that? Simply speaking, we evaluate and recommend entertainment media based on how much fun it is to watch with friends on the sofa and a cold beer in hand.

Everyone knows "The Godfather" is a great movie, but is it as great to drink with as "Roadhouse?" We can appreciate "Citizen Kane" as a masterpiece of cinema, but is it as good a centerpiece for your party as "Santa Clause Conquers the Martians?"

Tanked Matinee appreciates film as art, but when you're kicking back on Friday night with a tall Rum & Coke, you're not looking for art, man, you want to be entertained. We're here to recommend the best movies for your night in, whether it's a big party, small get-together, or just a quiet night alone with a bottle of wine or three.

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