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Action Tanked Matinee: Where the Movies Come to Drink! Mon, 26 Jun 2017 03:33:24 +0000 Joomla! - Open Source Content Management en-gb DEADPOOL (2016) DEADPOOL (2016)

The Buzz:deadpoolposter2


     A sexy Canadian freedom fighter with a heart of gold is stricken by the world's least sexy disease - CANCER! In an attempt to be cured and spend his days with his morally upstanding girlfriend he volunteers for a secret government experiment... only to be tortured by a man with an adorable girl's name and turned into a hideous freak - a stark physical contrast to his still charming and loveable demeanor. Worried his life's love could never see past his deformity he travels on foot (and in cabs) dispensing wisdom with a shrouded visage as he hunts for the man who wronged him... in hopes, perhaps, to save both of their souls.



Life of the Party:


     Hey gang! It's me! Deadpool! I figured who else to come here and tell you about me, but me. I'm the world's foremost expert on me! And now that I've gotten through the part you'll read your girlfriend to convince her to see my picture so that later you can argue about who was more aroused during it when you get home, we can get to the knitty gritty. 


     The first thing you may have noticed when looking at showtimes was that I'm rated "R". That's R... for Red. I'm assuming that's what it means, anyways, because there's lots of blood. And blood is red. Oh! And so is my suit! You see? It's only logical. Government regulatory commissions are always very clear. I'm very proud of my "R" rating. I think it shows how hard I worked with how creative I was with murder and my dulcet sexual overtones. I'm also proud because it means children shouldn't see my movie. Children are disgusting. This is a scientific fact proven by anyone who's ever touched a child and wondered why it was wet or sticky on every inch of visible skin. It's also why I'm glad that my penis looks like a hotdog left on the grill too long. But I digress.


     I'm not your typical Marvel production, folks. And while I hear stories of Netflix crowding in on the red spandex game, even Hell's Kitchen hasn't smushed a guy against a metal sign at 100 miles per hour! And yeah yeah, we got Stan Lee to come do a cameo. But no one else has Stan Lee and tits in the same scene! I bet that sold you right there, didn't it? We also got my old buddy Rob Leifield to show up on set! Don't worry, we hid his ankles and made him wear a REALLY big belt on camera. Pay back is a bitch, Rob. Basically... if you have read any of my graphic novels (that's what the kids call them these days, makes them feel like less of nerds) and liked them... you'll walk out satisfied. If you haven't, but you like the idea of an invincible mercenary making fun of people while he stab them with swords... go see a doctor. Then visit your local AMC! (Fuck you Regal for not ponying up that endorsement cash). 



Won't you join me? I hear the popcorn at the very bottom is the popcorniest.


Potential Hangovers:


     Potential Hangovers? Jesus... I thought MY writing was based on the lowest hanging fruit. And you know, it is. I can't deny it. I didn't write it! You make a name for yourself when you're young just lookin' to make a living and you sign some piece of paper not knowing what it says and the next thing you know you're telling your own life story in front of a camera as written by someone else's words. Talk about sellin' out. I got to do some adlibbing. That's the beauty of Hollywood, right? Did you know Bill Murray adlibbed all of Ghostbusters?! My agent said one day I'll get there. Have to hone your craft. I got to say "Chimichangas" once. I think my fans will really appreciate that!



It's been a closely guarded secret that the villain of my movie is actually fat retarded aliens. 


The Atmosphere - Casual Gathering, Large Party


    Like a beautiful woman I'm really better appreciated when shared amongst friends. You'll all pass me around, enjoy talking about me to each other and how much you all like me... but with repeated use I'll get worn down, old hat. I'll become background noise that's comforting, but true appreciation will have dwindled because your only real interest in me was superficial. I won't mind though, I'll always be there... because I'm just happy that I got to be as good to you all as I was when I was good to you all. 



+ Lower case "T"

- They found my sister Norma who lives with my mother in Brooklin and she gave permissen for the operashun. So their going to use me. Im so exited I can hardley rite it down. But then Prof Nemur and Dr Strauss had a argament about it frist. I was sitting in Prof Nemurs office when Dr Strauss and Burt Selden came in. Prof Nemur was worryed about using me but Dr Strauss tolld him I looked like the best one they testid so far.


The Drinking Game:

- Drink every time I mention vaginas

- Drink every time someone mentions Ryan Reynolds or a film he was in, that handsome son of a bitch.

- Drink every time I remind you about our film's budget.

- Take a shot when you see a unicorn! Magic is REAL!


]]> (Biggs) Action Wed, 17 Feb 2016 01:39:20 +0000
Turbo Kid (2015) Turbo Kid (2015)

The Buzz

Well kids, we did it, we blew the whole place up! Fallout 4 was right, war never changes and we have set up a good old fashioned post-apocalyptic future for ourselves.  Everyone is out for themselves, scavenging, stealing, fighting, surviving: that’s all that really matters. To one kid though, survival is an everyday struggle made all the easier by his imagination and love for comic books. One comic book in particular; Turbo Rider!


tumblr inline o1r0u8zFZj1t90s1y 540

Life of the Party

     Turbo Kid is just one of a recent crop of absurd retro-action movies that have somehow taken off here lately. The intro is very reminiscent of Kung Fury (or Far Cry Blood Dragon!) and immediately sets your expectations for the remainder of the movie. Similar in style to the recently reviewed Wolf Cop, Turbo Kid is an ultra-gore fest mixed with child-like imagination. The story follows a kid (Munro Chambers, seriously called “the Kid”) as he scavenges the waste lands for scrap to help him pay for food and water.



What Movie is Unkar Plutt NOT in?!

     Despite being in his late teenage years and surviving on his own for lord-knows how many years, the kid still maintains some attributes you would see in a pre-teen: His map of the wastes is drawn with crayon, toys and "cool" stuff are more important than actual tradeable goods, he carries a view-master with him everywhere just so he can look at pictures of dinosaurs and Turbo Rider. Speaking of which, we are introduced to Turbo Rider early in the movie by the Kid. He has a poster in his room, comic books, and even likes to pantomime the characters signature moves.

     Make no mistakes, the world is not a happy place. The kid may be lucky to be alive but you quickly realize that he has to have some real capabilities to still be well out here by himself. The waste lands are uninhabitable and clean water is a treasured commodity. Other survivors have banded together in small villages where tests of strength prove who is leader. 

     The stage has been set and we follow The Kid through another hour long adventure where he meets a very special girl (Laurence Leboeuf), a rough-and-tumble cowboy (Aaron Jeffery), and a sinister villain from his past (Michael Ironside), eventually taking up the mantle of Turbo Kid and becoming the superhero he always wished to be.  The fight scenes are filled with practical effect goodness, a ton of gore, and some slapstick gags that will make you laugh out loud at their absurdity (pro-tip: that’s the point). All around, it is an amazing trip that brings back memories of 80’s action movies with some new age humor.
Think of it as Mad Max: The Wonder Years!

Potential Hangovers

     If you don’t like B-movies or gore drenchings, then you won’t like this movie. Imagine a good ol’ Troma movie, or Evil Dead (probably closer to Army of Darkness), and you get the gist of this movie.  There is a fair amount of adult language and despite the gore being ridiculous, it is still gore and probably not suitable for children you actually care about.

The Atmosphere- Hang out, party night

     The storyline to Turbo Kid is not unique, it won’t really surprise you in any way, and the shock-value has been done elsewhere and better. That being said, it has a quirky charm to it and it really is well done and fleshed out. The dialogue is pretty important (and hysterical) so I can’t really recommend this as background noise to a larger event, you really do need to pay attention. The best viewing is going to be had with a few people all watching and giggling at the sheer retro goodness.


+ It’s a kids dream mixed in an adult’s movie
+laugh out loud funny practical effects
+Apple is pretty cute!
-Apple is damn annoying
+ Michael Ironside

The drinking game!

-    - Drink whenever you hear a reference to turbo rider

-    - Drink Everytime Skeletron uses a saw blade

      - Finish your drink every time the turbo blaster has to recharge

The Turbo Kid-akaze!

1 part vodka
1 part blue curacao (or triple sec and a drop of blue food coloring)
1 part lime juice
Pop rocks for garnish and frosting for rimming the glasses

Yell “Turbo Rider!” and take a shot

]]> (Ben Marsh) Action Tue, 16 Feb 2016 01:21:02 +0000
Helen Keller Vs Nightwolves (2015) Helen Keller Vs Nightwolves (2015)

Steedcover The Buzz:

     "Blind and deaf after suffering a terrible fever as a baby, young Helen Keller has spent years unable to communicate, leaving her frustrated and occasionally violent. As a last chance before she is institutionalized, her parents contact a school for the blind, which sends half-blind Annie Sullivan to teach Helen. Helen is initially resistant, but Annie gradually forms a bond with her and shows Helen ways of reaching others." Is what Google says when you look up "The Miracle Worker", the original movie about Helen Keller. This is not that movie in the slightest. 

     Helen Keller is your typical young woman at the turn of the century. Except for the fact that her town is runder seige by packs of feral night wolves. Despite the townspeople's pleas for action, the lupine menace is left to terrorize the people. After a particularly vicious attack, Helen Keller is left blind, deaf, and dumb. It is in this state that she finds her inner powers, and with the help of some family and new friends, uses them to defeat the Night Wolves once and for all!


HelenKeller thumb


"She's a Natural Born Keller" I'm not witty enough for tagline like that

Steedcover Life of the Party:

     It is no secret that the crew here at Tanked Matinee love us some Ross Patterson.  In fact, I consider it one of the high points of my time here at TM that I was able to interview the Man-Myth-Legend.  Both myself and fellow TM alum Enuncia have reviewed some of his past work: Poolboy 2: Drowning Out the Fury and FDR: American Badass! Once the team found out that Helen Keller Vs Night Wolves was available, we immediately picked it up and readied it for our company retreat the first week of December 2015.  It was this movie that inspired me to come back to review writing after a long hiatus. This is for you America.

"Less company retreat, and more our company retreated away from us"

I'm going to give you a rundown of the story so skip ahead to avoid spoilers.


Steedcover***SPOILERS START!***Steedcover

     Helen Keller (Jessie Wiseman) lives on the family homestead with her brother William (Jesse Merlin), friend Anne Sullivan (Alanna Ubach), and Parents (Jean St. James, and Robert R. Shafer ). It seems pretty picturesque doesn't it?
The simple tranquility of home life is quickly destroyed when the titular villains of the film appear, THE NIGHTWOLVES! I really wanted to say titular today and I did, I feel good about this review already. Ahem… The wolves methodically murderslaughter their way through the Keller family, wounding both Helen and Anne to the point of disability. Exactly as portrayed in "The Miracle Worker"*, Anne Sullivan begins teaching Helen to communicate and navigate her surroundings. Who here thinks that the Keller home is the only one tormented by these demons? Show of hands, NOW!


"Well, you're wrong" - Captain Teneal

    Steedcover The whole town was being hassled by these assholes and said so in the community meeting, conveniently held in a '50's diner with Sheriff Ryan (Richard Riehle) presiding.  Of course, no one seems to be able to do a damn thing about the giant wolves eating people, so Helen exclaims that she will find a way to destroy them once and for all.  

      Now, by this point in the movie, you should already be suffering from excitement overload but hopefully you don't pass out because a heavy hitter is about to enter the game: Barry "Does my cock still work" Bostwick (yeah his character is named Jonathan, but fuck it, he's Barry Bostwick.)  A huge departure from his hard-core, ruggedly handsome character in FDR: American Badass, Jonathan is a hard-core, ruggedly handsome character with a beard this go round.  Hailing from a nearby town ravaged by the nightwolves, Jonathan pledges his aid to Helen and her brother, 


      When he isn’t making tables or duck l’orange, Jonathan trains Helen to use her talents to fight. Just like Luke and Yoda, Ralph Macchio and Mr. Miyagi, and every other famous training couple, romance begins to bloom and their love, in its purest form, begins to push the evil back from whence it came.


Wait. No I was completely wrong.  That is NOT what happened and I do apologize.

It looks like the Wolves are still around for a final climactic battle!


Steedcover***END SPOILERS***Steedcover


     I thought about looking up the run time of the movie, but it doesn't matter, the movie is exhausting in just about the best way possible. The dialogue is the real “meat” of this movie and boy does it deliver. I’m astounded at how great the gags are and I think Patterson has really honed his ability to write dialogue that intertwines subtle euphemism and blatant punch-you-in-the-gut comedy. There are enough tongue in cheek gags and visual cues that subsequent viewings will still surprise you. It’s like a Where’s Waldo that makes you questions your sexuality.

    My favorite part though? The “I got it!” delay.
 Maybe you call it something different. If so, fuck you, I’m writing this. You go write a review on your sight. 

    Get it? Sight?! The movie’s about a blind chick.

    Moving on.

 Steedcover   There were so many moments that just took that one extra second for the weight of the joke to actually hit me. Not that I wouldn’t laugh immediately, but that just a few seconds later I saw just how brilliant the scene was. I wish that I could explain that statement more but I just can’t find the adequate words. You have to see it to really understand it.

     Having watched Patterson’s other movies, the style is very reminiscent of FDR and Poolboy 2. Now, I know that the funding for this movie was originally posed as an Indiegogo project that reached $41k of it’s goal of $58k. That being said, I am unsure what the final budget of the movie ended up being, but it certainly seems obvious that there wasn’t quite as much money involved in the production of Helen Keller Vs Nightwolves as the others. Quite frankly, I don’t see that as a detriment. I have enough issues simply keeping my own well-being within the confines of my meekly budget thus cannot fathom what it’s like to try to recreate my vision in film without a truly biblical amount of funds available. One of many reasons I am not a director.

    I have never been in the camp of “big budget = good movie” but it is truly heartening to have something like this that I just ENJOY watching. Not to mention I would put money on the fact that these performers had a BLAST making the movie. The computer graphics were cheesy enough to make a Wisconsiner jealous and the one-liners were damn near cringe worthy at times, but it all fit together so well that none of it mattered. I just sat back and enjoyed the ride.

Potential Hangovers:             Steedcover

     I’ve sung this tune before and I hated the beat.

     People can bash the low budget campiness, or how the humor can be low brow and cheap, but those people are cordially invited to fuck off.  You will enjoy this movie if you aren’t a snob about it. Some people fear greatness, I embrace it.

The Vibe:

     This is a group movie through and through. Grab some munchables and a few drinks and you will have a great evening.  I’d be willing to bet that within a few minutes, the group will just start yelling out things that no one else caught just to bring attention to it. I can tell you from experience that the room can get loud with some of the insanity on screen and people throwing in their own commentary, but around here, that is a good sign. It’s the type of movie you can watch multiple times with the same people and still enjoy it a different way.


I guess i forgot to mention that Helen Keller Vs Nigthwolves is out FOR FREE right now for your viewing pleasure. Don't know if I'm full of bull or not? You have the chance to download and watching right now! 

You can download your HD copy right HERE


Drinking Games!

• Drink every time momma Keller spurts blood!

• Drink Every time William Keller Asks " Is it because I'm Gay?!"

• Drink more “Not you Father’s Rootbeer”’s than the movie does.

Steedcover The Impossible Rule: Drink every time a reference to Ross Patterson's book " At Night She Cries, While He Rides His Steed" is seen on screen.


*The Miracle Worker was not harmed in the making of this review, All similarities between it and this movie were purely made up to make me giggle"




Ben Marsh is Tanked Matinee's Most Pantless Man. A Veteran of making fun of things, drinking, and having opinions, but still new to this whole "writing" thing, you can follow Ben on twitter ( @bencmarsh) and listen to his inane ramblings almost at will! 

If you are intersested in contributing content to Tanked Matinee, follow the link at the top of the page Become a Contributor and find a home to show off your love of all thing cinematic and alcoholic. 

]]> (Ben Marsh) Action Sun, 13 Dec 2015 04:42:40 +0000

The Buzz:


     Peter Parker has settled into his role as Spider-Man, but the truth about why his parents abandoned him still haunts him. Now his long time friend, Harry Osborn, is back and finding out he's dying of a rare genetic disorder in which Spider-Man's blood may be the only cure. Additionally a new menace is ravaging the streets of New York and hell bent on Spidey's destruction. What is the price that Parker must pay to be a hero?


Life of the Party:


     The movie is entertaining and largely well acted. I'm actually regularly amazed (HA! GET IT?!) at how much I actually like Andrew Garfield as the titular character. And Sally Fields is always awesome even though she's so far off mark of what the comic book Aunt May is. She still is phenomenal, though, and so the difference is easily ignored. People complained a lot about Foxx being Max Dillon/Electro when the announcement was made, but again... I think he really stole the screen every moment he was on it. The guy has an incredible ability to go from humorous to dramatic and back. Special effects are top notch. And you kind of expect that from a blockbuster like this and from Sony Pictures on top of that. They do some really interesting things with the music that I loved as well. Whenever Electro is on screen there is this techno/dubstep type score that seems to react to the action on screen and really added great effect to those scenes. In the final battle with Electro the electronic pulses bouncing through different sized pillars actually make different tones and end up as part of the score of the battle itself. I thought this was a very creative play between the audio and visual components of the film that also made sense scientifically. Another positive note is that the writers stepped up the emotional impact of the film and the chemistry between Garfield and the rest of the cast really helped drive that home. Lastly I really loved how this series has captured the wit of Peter Parker while donning the mask. The playful youth of the character is really part of the charm of the comic series and Sony has done incredibly well at capturing it.


     In the end I walked out having had a good time watching Amazing Spider-Man 2 and I recommend it to any one who enjoys super hero action films. That being said, there is a lot I could knit pick about and I'm going to below...



Potential Hangovers:


     I'm always bothered by trailers and promotions that set expectations inappropriately through out right lies. Amazing Spider-Man 2 kinda does this in spades. There are numerous scenes that are not even in the picture but emphasized in trailers. The Rhino is pushed as one of the three villains of the film, yet is largely irrelevant to the story and could have been left out almost entirely with little impact. In the end it works in the film's favor as the lack of presence of a third villain helps the film from suffering too much from what destroyed Raimi's Spider-Man 3.


     And that brings me to another thing. I think the director (Marc Webb) was so frightened of succumbing to the curse of Spider-Man 3 that he ended up swinging the pendulum the other way and making some choices that still hurt the picture. Everyone screamed that too many villains decentralizes the plot and weakens character development... to which they're right. So Webb focuses on Electro and really nails him, yet STILL introduces two more villains who were largely unneeded and added extra character arcs that slowed the pace of the film. Why? Because Sony wanted to use Amazing Spider-Man 2 as a jumping off point for two spin-off movie franchises – Venom and Sinister Six. So now Spider-Man 2 has to suffer just so we can cram some origin crap into it that they didn't want to cram into the respective spin-offs? How does that help anyone?


     Next I want to knitpick about character designs. Electro was great, but Green Goblin was terrible and so was Rhino. Goblin's transformation makes no sense... the same spider venom that transformed Spider-Man mutates Harry's body and gives him fangs and creepy eyes that are not spider-like in any way? Oh also starts killing him because he's not a Parker... so he has to put on the Goblin suit that will counter act the venom? But when we see him later without the suit we're told “it comes and goes”? After that Rhino is just a guy in a tank... shaped like a rhino. The Rhino's power is supposed to be a guy of great strength and durability who is able to take huge amounts of punishment and basically ram through anything. Super simple concept. But now we just have a tank with guns and missiles shooting out of it? How is that ANYTHING like the comic? I'm fine with straying from the source, but why call this version Rhino? If you wanted robotics you could have used Tinkerer or even Alistair Smythe (Spider-Slayer) who's ALREADY IN THE PICTURE!


     As minor humorous annoyances I also found it interesting that at once point when Harry Osbourn and Electro decide to break into a taken over Oscorp you basically have a 5 minute reboot of Gremlins 2 where Electro plays that one gremlin that becomes pure electricity.


At least we didn't have Foxx as that weird big boobed lady Gremlin...



     Then not too long after that Spider-Man chases Electro through New York in what seems like a scene stolen straight out of Infamous: Second Son.



Hmmm... curiously  ALSO produced by Sony...



The Vibe: Casual Gathering, Family Night


In the end despite some disappointment in decisions made, I did leave entertained and I did honestly like it. It's by no means anywhere near on par with Captain America: Winter Soldier or what I expect Guardians of the Galaxy will be later this year, but that's what you get when you don't have the full power of Marvel behind you.





+ The story arcs that focus on Peter, Gwen, and Electo were well done

+ Great special effects

+ Wonderful use of score

+ Great portrayal of the web crawler

- Too many character arcs that were poorly or not at all resolved

- Some poor design choices



Drinking Games:


- Drink every time Peter lays on his bed

- Take a shot when the Spidey-sense goes off

- Drink any time a reference to another Spider-Man villain is made that isn't Green Goblin, Rhino, or Electro

- Finish your drink when... that one scene occurs. You know the one. We all knew it was coming eventually.

- Drink any time Peter throws his father's bag or the contents therein.

- Drink any time Peter uses his webs to perform a rudimentary task that he otherwise could have performed himself, but didn't out of laziness.

HARDCORE MODE: Drink every time a light goes out.

]]> (Biggs) Action Sun, 04 May 2014 19:06:12 +0000

The Buzz:

        Jake is a driver for a club that runs a prostitution ring, taking the girls to their rendezvous and keeping them safe. But when the woman he's developed feelings for winds up dead, he begins a quest for revenge as he evades the cops, gangsters, and his boss' goons.


Life of the Party:

        The Girl from the Naked Eye is perfect if you're looking for a noir-style action/murder-mystery flick. I'm not typically one to really notice cool & interesting cinematography (at least, not as much as the likes of Alex "The Film Philosopher"), and even I noticed just how well done it is in this movie. Think Sin City with color, which is appropriate when you consider how this film is also narrated in a classic brooding-noir style.

        A big plus for me is the action sequences. No wire-stunts or special effects here; everything is done by some incredibly proficient stunt-men. I mean hell, it's even got freaking Lateef Crowder! Oh, you don't recognize that name? Did you ever see The Protector? If not, I'll wait. *foot tapping* OK, now that that's over with, fucking fantastic movie, right? Well remember that guy with "PRAY" carved into his chest that actually keeps up with Tony Jaa in the burning-temple fight sequence? It's that guy, and holy goddamn was I pleased when he showed up in Naked Eye.

        While the fight scenes here really don't hold a candle to the likes of Tony Jaa films, they are very well shot and choreographed, and occasionally humorous. The final hallway-fight scene I found to be incredibly creative in how it was shot, and like me you'll probably be laughing the whole time due to the film's choice of soundtrack.

        Overall, Naked Eye is a fun, enjoyable film to watch. Broody-noir sets, narration, and intrigue, combined with good action and a decent story make this a really fun experience for many different types of movie-viewers.


Potential Hangovers:

        The biggest letdown here is the acting. Occasionally competent, never stand-out, constantly wooden and forced. There were quite a few points where the line-delivery felt so uninspired and forced that it jarred me out of the illusion quite violently, which did make watching The Girl from the Naked Eye a bit more arduous than it deserved to be.

        And while this has nothing to really do with the movie-watching experience, I do find it incredibly odd that the movie-poster and marketing makes a big deal of telling you that Sasha Grey is in it, and yet she's on screen for probably less than a minute, and has only three lines. And meanwhile the titular Girl, as far as I can tell, isn't even on the poster (not even the actresses name, which I find kind of disappointing, since she's pretty much the focal point of the story of this whole film).

        And while the story is pretty solid, the mystery running through the middle is pretty week. Pretty much the minute you meet the murderer you can immediately guess that he's the one Jake's looking for, since the only other way it could have ended would be for the film to come completely out of left-field with some character we hadn't even met before the reveal.


The Vibe: Casual Gathering, Date Night

        Just like most films we review here at Tanked Matinee, The Girl from the Naked Eye is probably best enjoyed by a small group of friends with a couple drinks. I also included date-night above, since the conflicted love-story running through the plot can land this film fairly securely into that movie-viewing scenario (at least, with the women I tend to date; I mean hell, just look at my review of Shinobi: Heart Under Blade!). I cannot recommend getting hammered, or trying to put this on at any gathering beyond a few friends who'll pay attention.



+ The story

+ Well choreographed and shot action scenes

+ Good cinematography

- My god the acting

- Weak mystery


Drinking Game Ideas:
~ Every time there's narration

~ Every time there's a flashback

]]> (Enuncia) Action Wed, 26 Mar 2014 17:07:53 +0000

The Buzz:

        “Not Zero Dark Thirty” tells the tale of how American forces tracked down and killed Osama Bin Laden.


Life of the Party:



Potential Hangovers:

        The movie is bad. It's slow, it's dull, and most offensively, about entirely inaccurate. I can't speak to the veracity of the following claim, but apparently the filmmakers got zero support or access to viable sources or intelligence (unlike the aforementioned Zero Dark Thirty), and so they just used some of the public knowledge and made the rest up.

        The film exists solely as a political piece about how great the Obama administration is (at least, that's how I viewed it). Now whether you like or dislike President Obama is irrelevant here; when I sit down to watch a film, I for one am not looking to be subjected to blatant political manipulation (one of the problems I had with White House Down). Which is not to say that political statements have no place in film (some of the greatest films in history are full of them), but having an entire theatrical experience being about one singular point to be rammed down my throat comes off as insulting.

        Speaking of insulting, Seal Team Six portrays our titular heroes as petty drama-queens, and in one case as about the equivalent of barely trained dogs. I'm not here to say our military is completely flawless, and I know that there are many different viewpoints on many different subjects concerning them; but in a film about one of the Seal Teams' most celebrated moments in recent history, you'd think the filmmakers would treat them with a little more respect.


The Vibe:

        I really can't recommend any vibe or appropriate viewing scenarios. The film is bad, insulting, and (according to most other viable sources) blatantly inaccurate. Pause at it in Netflix long enough to give it a single star, and move on with your life.

]]> (Enuncia) Action Fri, 07 Mar 2014 12:00:00 +0000

The Buzz:

        Channing Tatum plays a Capitol Policeman who's dream job is getting into the Secret Service. But on the same day he's denied the opportunity, mercenaries take over the White House, trapping him, his daughter, hostages, and President Jamie Foxx inside. Now it's up to Tatum to save the day in this action-thriller!


Life of the Party:

        Let's get this out of the way quick: in the world of mindless-summer-action movies, White House Down is a fairly strong contender. However, it's still a mindless action film, so don't go into it with high standards in mind.

        The action scenes in the film are pretty decent, with enough explosions and gunfire to keep you refilling that popcorn bowl. And the production values are pretty top-notch, which you pretty much expect from a film with an estimated $150 million budget. All in all, it's exactly what you expect from a big-budget summer action movie.


Potential Hangovers:

        So it's impossible to talk about this film without comparing it to Olympus Has Fallen. They both have nearly the exact same plot, and came out right about the same time. My biggest complaint about Olympus was that many of the characters, especially the bad guys, were pretty poorly written, such that I had no idea what their motivations were, or their reasons for doing what they were doing were so bad/glossed over that it weakened the whole thing for me. But this was largely made up for by having some really good, realistic(ish...kinda...maybe...I dunno) action.

        White House Down is nearly the exact opposite; characters are fully written, and have clear and distinct personalities and motivations (most of the main ones anyway). But everything else about it just comes off as so contrived (really? The Presidential Limo houses a chrome-plated RPG in the back seat?), and in many cases cliché, which brings down the rest of the film.

        The acting, while mostly solid, does have some obvious lows that snap you out of the experience long enough to say “really, that was the best they could do there?” Which is disappointing, because in many cases I've seen these same actors do much better work, so I don't think they're to blame.

        And additionally, White House Down has such a ham-fisted political message that it runs the risk of alienating statistically half of you. This is not to say that there's no place for politics in film (I'm not allowed to think that ever since I declared Dr. Strangelove one of my favorite films), but this movie is full of political cheap shots, as well as having a sanctimonious attitude that I found rather distracting and a little off-putting.


The Vibe: Casual Gathering, Man-Cave, Large Party

        Like 90% of the films we here are Tanked Matinee like to watch, White House Down is really best served with some friends and some drinks. Perhaps as part of a movie night featuring White House Down/Olympus Has Fallen/Air Force One? Actually...that doesn't sound like such a bad idea for a theme night...[EDITOR'S NOTE: When you think about it, you could make an argument for adding Escape From New York into that mix...]

        White House Down is also fairly mindless enough that it can serve as background explosions and gunfire for your large party; there's really no particular plot point that you absolutely have to hear/notice to comprehend what's going on at any point in the film.



+ Just about everything you want in your summer action film

+/- It's a mindless summer action film

- Very contrived, cliché plot

- Some noticeable lows


Drinking Game Ideas:

~ Drink every time someone mentions a previous President (Lincoln, etc.; if you really pay attention you'll realize this rule can also refer to some of the characters in this film)

~ Drink every time someone rolls, dives, jumps through a window, etc.

~ Drink every time someone mentions the Peace Talks/Peace Proposal

~ Drink for every explosion

]]> (Enuncia) Action Fri, 28 Feb 2014 12:00:00 +0000
THE FP (2011) THE FP (2011)


     In a post-apocalyptic wasteland, gangs vie for control of Frazier Park (abbreviated as titular The FP) through a brutal blood sport much akin to the thunderdome. Except instead of any real blood sport, it’s a dance game called Beat-Beat Revolution. After his brother BTRO gets literally served to death by a rival gang’s superior performance, JTRO (played by writer and director Jason Trost) leaves the FP. However, a year later, the park is in shambles due to the evil gang’s malevolent rule, and JTRO must return to save the day and serve up some white-hot BBR revenge. Featuring awesome sets, insanely high BPM techno, good costuming, and ……..odd humor, this film was ignored by many, shat on by a bunch of critics, and watched by few. But fuck the haters, this movie is awesome, and you should watch it.


     We here at Tanked Matinee are big fans of self-aware comedy. Yes, this film is a post-apocalyptic, sullen, angsty revenge romp that is entirely dark-colored from start to finish. But it is in no way, shape, or form a dark movie. Every single scene is completely straight-faced and over-serious, but at the same time, so was Airplane! In reality, this movie plays out like a straight-to-VHS flick, except that The FP maintains fully tongue-in-cheek for the duration of the film. The opening scene made me laugh out loud. Pretty solid for a film that doesn’t primarily bill itself as a comedy. To me, it felt like a real throwback to silly high-concept, yet depressingly unironic low-budget movies from the 80s, but with the benefit of being high definition, loaded with blasting techno, and aware of what it is. There are tons of surprises in this film; when you find out what caused the apocalypse, you will likely repeat it among your friends for years.


     If you really don’t like techno, don’t watch this movie. Also, the strange vibe that this movie gives off may make some people have a conflict of tone, considering deadpan almost absurdity is weird on its own, but add in a post-apocalyptic wasteland? I could see that being weird to people. I’ve read a couple complaints online that it’s a stupid movie. No fucking shit, Sherlock; you started a film about a guy avenging his brother’s death via underground DDR matches, yet you complain that the plot is dumb? Yeah, I’d say this film isn’t for everyone. It’s definitely not Death at a Funeral, but if you watch it as almost a parody of itself (which, frankly, it is), this movie ends up being far more clever than meets the eye. Honestly, I think most people were confused as to what this movie is supposed to be, and the rest are boring.

THE ATMOSPHERE: Large Party, Casual Gathering

    This movie is so high-energy, I can’t really see myself specifically recommending it for occasions other than a big party or a gathering leading up to one. However, any time you need to inject some energy into your occasion, and the idea of high-stakes DDR appeals to you, put this on and be like JSTRO; never ignorant in getting goals accomplished.


Once each time someone says FP

Twice each time L Dubba E (the villain) talks

Thrice each time a game of BBR starts up

(Half-blind mode) Once each shot an eyepatch is onscreen

]]> (JHBoman) Action Thu, 06 Feb 2014 20:46:04 +0000

The Buzz:

        Palestinian terrorists plan to use a bomb in the Goodyear Blimp, piloted by a Vietnam Vet, to attack the Super Bowl. Now the FBI and an Israeli agent are hot on their trail as they try to unravel the plot before it's too late.


Life of the Party:

        At the time of this writing the Super Bowl of 2014 is in less than a week, and so I thought it might be appropriate ( a way...) to watch Black Sunday. Let me open this by saying that this film isn't like today's “Agents & Terrorists” (...that could be the next game young kids play instead of “Cops & Robbers;” someone work that into a “dystopian near-future” film...) entertainments, with running gun battles, spy intrigue, and lots of explosions. Black Sunday is slower and much more methodical, following both the authorities' attempts to track down the terrorists and unravel the plot (told primarily through the viewpoint of Israeli agent Kabakov, played by Robert Shaw), and the terrorist Dahlia (played by Marthe Keller) and the pilot Lander (played by Bruce Dern).

        Besides an interesting, pretty haunting story, the acting and production are also pretty good (even by today's standards, if you can forgive 70's level special effects and the like). But for me the real standout is the stunt work. Sure most of the film doesn't have much in the way of stunts, but just wait until the final action scene. Whichever poor bastard had to pull that off (no spoilers), I hope he's still alive somewhere and that I can meet him and buy him a drink. In fact the whole final climax is pretty goddamn impressive when you think about it, which makes up for a lot of the slow, plodding nature of this 150 minute runtime.


I had a roomate in college who'd answer the door this way too...

Potential Hangovers:

        The movie is slow. I ended up really enjoying Black Sunday, but somewhere in the third quarter (...that wasn't intentional, but hell I'll let it stick) it was getting to be a bit of a struggle.


Back when the majority of our action heroes were men (grumpy, potentialy alcoholic men, but still better than some we have today)

The Vibe: Casual Gathering

        Fans of classic cinema, as well as spy/terrorist dramas, should really consider adding Black Sunday to their list of things to watch. While you could probably enjoy the film solo (I did), I'm only listing Casual Gathering because the long runtime, combined with the slow pacing, means that you might want some friends on hand to keep you invested, through means both alcoholic and comedic.



+ Well executed and acted

+ Good storyline, which is kinda haunting in our post 9/11 world

- Slow


Drinking Game Ideas:

~ Drink like it's the 70's. Find you favorite classic-cocktail recipe just keep it flowin'. No real "rules" necessary.

]]> (Enuncia) Action Fri, 31 Jan 2014 15:28:01 +0000
HOT FUZZ (2007) HOT FUZZ (2007)


     Let’s be honest. You’ve probably seen Hot Fuzz if you’re on this site. And that’d be unsurprising. It had a wide release, was well marketed, and is arguably the best British buddy cop mystery satire action drama released in 2007. On the surface, it stands as a very good example of how to lampoon a genre while being an excellent entry in said genre at the same time (The Other Guys also does a good job with this). It’s the second entry in the “Blood and Cornetto” trilogy that also includes Shaun of the Dead before it and The World’s End after. Masterminded by Nick Frost, Simon Pegg, Edgar Wright, and a ton of other bit actors, the whole set of movies is worth your time. Loaded with inter-movie references, tight shots, very smart comedy, and great action, if you have not seen this film before, you desperately need to.


     These guys really know how to pace a movie. Hot Fuzz starts with a bang and loads in tons of gags (that all hit their mark) and exposition straight from the very beginning, and it really doesn’t stop. The humor throughout the movie has tons of jokes that get set up half an hour or more before the punchline, and every attempt at humor is well executed. It stands up well to repeat viewings, too, considering how many references to Shaun of the Dead and genre films exist in the runtime. The plot is a very entertaining mystery, and the cast is perfectly done; Timothy Dalton plays a fantastic creepy grocer, and every bit character really pulls their weight. It’s really just a solid viewing experience throughout. Without giving anything away, you will not see the ending coming, but it just might be your favorite ending sequence of any movie you’ve ever seen if you haven’t seen The Protector.


     This movie is a mystery, so the plot is very important to pay attention to, making this a bad movie for big parties. This is doubled by how subtle lots of the jokes are; people talking over the movie will make you miss probably a third of the funniest parts, which would be a real hindrance to your enjoyment of it. That’s really the only negatives about this movie. It just needs to be watched when everyone wants to pay attention to a great movie as opposed to putting it on in the background.

THE ATMOPSHERE: Cocktail Party, Lazy Afternoon

     Okay, so my recommendations for when to watch this are kind of weird. However, I think it really works. Hot Fuzz starts in a subtle British manner and slowly accelerates until it reaches a fever pitch. This works very well for ending afternoon festivities or starting your night off the right way; therefore it works well as a late afternoon Long Island Iced Tea time session (or a British ale with bitters; your call). Secondly, even though there is a small bit of isolated brutal violence, this movie on the whole is a very proper endeavor. So yeah, if you want a legitimately funny, unexpectedly brilliant comedy to go with your day drinking, and you somehow still haven’t seen it, check out Hot Fuzz.


Once for each swear

Twice for each person who gets arrested

Three times every time you see the swan

Three times every time you see someone wearing a black hooded robe

(Murderin’ mode) Take a shot for each murder

]]> (JHBoman) Action Wed, 29 Jan 2014 19:19:44 +0000