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DEADPOOL (2016)

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DEADPOOL (2016)

Wednesday, 17 February 2016 01:39

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Written by 

The Buzz:deadpoolposter2

 

     A sexy Canadian freedom fighter with a heart of gold is stricken by the world's least sexy disease - CANCER! In an attempt to be cured and spend his days with his morally upstanding girlfriend he volunteers for a secret government experiment... only to be tortured by a man with an adorable girl's name and turned into a hideous freak - a stark physical contrast to his still charming and loveable demeanor. Worried his life's love could never see past his deformity he travels on foot (and in cabs) dispensing wisdom with a shrouded visage as he hunts for the man who wronged him... in hopes, perhaps, to save both of their souls.

 


 

Life of the Party:

 

     Hey gang! It's me! Deadpool! I figured who else to come here and tell you about me, but me. I'm the world's foremost expert on me! And now that I've gotten through the part you'll read your girlfriend to convince her to see my picture so that later you can argue about who was more aroused during it when you get home, we can get to the knitty gritty. 

 

     The first thing you may have noticed when looking at showtimes was that I'm rated "R". That's R... for Red. I'm assuming that's what it means, anyways, because there's lots of blood. And blood is red. Oh! And so is my suit! You see? It's only logical. Government regulatory commissions are always very clear. I'm very proud of my "R" rating. I think it shows how hard I worked with how creative I was with murder and my dulcet sexual overtones. I'm also proud because it means children shouldn't see my movie. Children are disgusting. This is a scientific fact proven by anyone who's ever touched a child and wondered why it was wet or sticky on every inch of visible skin. It's also why I'm glad that my penis looks like a hotdog left on the grill too long. But I digress.

 

     I'm not your typical Marvel production, folks. And while I hear stories of Netflix crowding in on the red spandex game, even Hell's Kitchen hasn't smushed a guy against a metal sign at 100 miles per hour! And yeah yeah, we got Stan Lee to come do a cameo. But no one else has Stan Lee and tits in the same scene! I bet that sold you right there, didn't it? We also got my old buddy Rob Leifield to show up on set! Don't worry, we hid his ankles and made him wear a REALLY big belt on camera. Pay back is a bitch, Rob. Basically... if you have read any of my graphic novels (that's what the kids call them these days, makes them feel like less of nerds) and liked them... you'll walk out satisfied. If you haven't, but you like the idea of an invincible mercenary making fun of people while he stab them with swords... go see a doctor. Then visit your local AMC! (Fuck you Regal for not ponying up that endorsement cash). 

 

deadpool-ticket-header

Won't you join me? I hear the popcorn at the very bottom is the popcorniest.

 

Potential Hangovers:

 

     Potential Hangovers? Jesus... I thought MY writing was based on the lowest hanging fruit. And you know, it is. I can't deny it. I didn't write it! You make a name for yourself when you're young just lookin' to make a living and you sign some piece of paper not knowing what it says and the next thing you know you're telling your own life story in front of a camera as written by someone else's words. Talk about sellin' out. I got to do some adlibbing. That's the beauty of Hollywood, right? Did you know Bill Murray adlibbed all of Ghostbusters?! My agent said one day I'll get there. Have to hone your craft. I got to say "Chimichangas" once. I think my fans will really appreciate that!

 

ryan-reynolds-brianna-hildebrand-deadpool-15-0ed37

It's been a closely guarded secret that the villain of my movie is actually fat retarded aliens. 

 

The Atmosphere - Casual Gathering, Large Party

 

    Like a beautiful woman I'm really better appreciated when shared amongst friends. You'll all pass me around, enjoy talking about me to each other and how much you all like me... but with repeated use I'll get worn down, old hat. I'll become background noise that's comforting, but true appreciation will have dwindled because your only real interest in me was superficial. I won't mind though, I'll always be there... because I'm just happy that I got to be as good to you all as I was when I was good to you all. 

 

Plus/Minus

+ Lower case "T"

- They found my sister Norma who lives with my mother in Brooklin and she gave permissen for the operashun. So their going to use me. Im so exited I can hardley rite it down. But then Prof Nemur and Dr Strauss had a argament about it frist. I was sitting in Prof Nemurs office when Dr Strauss and Burt Selden came in. Prof Nemur was worryed about using me but Dr Strauss tolld him I looked like the best one they testid so far.

 

The Drinking Game:

- Drink every time I mention vaginas

- Drink every time someone mentions Ryan Reynolds or a film he was in, that handsome son of a bitch.

- Drink every time I remind you about our film's budget.

- Take a shot when you see a unicorn! Magic is REAL!

 

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More in this category: « Turbo Kid (2015)

About Us

Tanked Matinee is the place to go for good drinking movies. What do we mean by that? Simply speaking, we evaluate and recommend entertainment media based on how much fun it is to watch with friends on the sofa and a cold beer in hand.

Everyone knows "The Godfather" is a great movie, but is it as great to drink with as "Roadhouse?" We can appreciate "Citizen Kane" as a masterpiece of cinema, but is it as good a centerpiece for your party as "Santa Clause Conquers the Martians?"

Tanked Matinee appreciates film as art, but when you're kicking back on Friday night with a tall Rum & Coke, you're not looking for art, man, you want to be entertained. We're here to recommend the best movies for your night in, whether it's a big party, small get-together, or just a quiet night alone with a bottle of wine or three.

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