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Drunk Star Wars Marathon 2012

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Drunk Star Wars Marathon 2012

Monday, 16 April 2012 23:14

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Written by  Enuncia

My Drunken Foray Into the Star Wars Universe

 

            So in my recent past, some friends and I decided it would be a good idea to watch all six Star Wars films, back to back, in one day (roughly 12-13 hours of straight film).  Not only that, but we decided it would be a good idea to be playing drinking games throughout all six films.  Because 12+ straight hours of heavy drinking starting at noon is ALWAYS a good idea, and since geeking out is such a socially acceptable activity, no complaints were raised.  The following is what I vaguely recall from the experience/what I was told I experienced by my friends later

Episode I: The Phantom Menace

            This was the movie that started the downturn.   Episode I was the film that turned many fans against the series as a whole, and I can vaguely why.  But, my drunken mind can recall a few reasons why this movie is worth watching.  Sure, Midi-chlorians (spelling?) kinda ruined the whole Force thing.   And sure, the Gungans are pretty annoying. 

            That is, until you start thinking of them not as annoying aliens, but as Space Jamaicans.  Then they become pretty amusing.

            But think about it for a second.  Admit it, the Pod-Racers were pretty cool.  Yes, the N64 game kinda sucked (unless you had truly Jedi reflexes to avoid all those goddamn obstacles to keep one engine from exploding, hurling you into a spiraling death hurtle into the closest wall).  And this was the first film that had lightsaber fights that had actual stunts/choreography to make them exciting.  Yes the stunts were so obvious that even my drunken mind could catch them, but get past that already. 

            When you were watching the previews at your local movie theatre, and saw that Lucas Films logo come up on the screen, and you saw what it was, you probably shit your pants.  And why not?  Many of us grew up with the original trilogy, and always thought that when Return of the Jedi ended, that was the end (maybe it should have been).  We never really thought about the fact that the "first film" was Episode IV.  And when Episode 1 was finally released, many of us rushed to the theatres, some in costume, to watch what we all assumed would be another masterpiece (also, reflect for a moment that this film was released in 1999, then reflect on how old you are).

            And for the most part, we were let down.  But is it really that surprising?

            Anything that we remember as being awesome in our childhood will ultimately let us down in our adulthood.  I tried watching the old Street Sharks cartoon the other day when it hit Netflix, which I remembered as being the height of awesome, and it was TERRIBLE!  I could hardly watch the first episode before switching over to an Asylum film.  So when we went into the theatre for Episode 1, thinking about episodes IV-VI, we were doomed to disappointment.

            All in all, this was a true Star Wars film.  If you look at the original trilogy nowadays, those films should have sucked.  Many of the effects are laughable, and some of the acting is more ham-fisted than some handy-cam "films."  But there was something about them that made them stick in our minds as something truly magical.  And Episode 1 built on all of that, but this time we didn't have our innocent childhoods to pitch this film against, just our older, cynical selves that had slowly build up how magical the original films were beyond what we truly remember.  Get past all the things that made the true Star Wars geeks raving mad, and you'll see that Episode I was a pretty OK film.

Episode II: Attack of the Clones

            Now this.  This is where the series truly starts its plummet into the abyss of despair and nerd rage.  This is where we get what's his name as Anakin.  I would look up the actor, but unless their last name is Stallone, Lundgren, Schwarzanegger (spelling?), Statham, Willis, Jaa, Norris, Neeson, Trejo, or Li, I really don't care.

            I don't really remember much from the film, besides Bobba Fett being introduced, and the coliseum scene (and let me tell you, when one of your drinking game rules is one drink every time a lightsaber is turned on/off, BOY is that a doozy of a scene).  Also we see how the Death Star was conceived, which is kind of a fan-service wet dream.  Other than that, not much to remember.

Episode III:............?

            What the fuck was the title of this film?  What the fuck happened in this film?  I just watched it, and I really don't remember what happened.  I remember Anakin becomes Darth Vader on a lava planet, Yoda fights the Emperor in an atrociously bad CGI fight scene (though still vaguely badass?), and......shit happens.  Even sober me, on a second viewing, can't tell you what happened in Episode III.  O, this is where the clones betray the Jedi......right?  I do recall drunk me just wishing this film would end so we could get to Episode IV.....

Episode IV:  A New Hope

            Now this, this is what I remember.  Han Solo, Chewbacca, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Luke Skywalker, these are the characters I grew up with.  The heroes whose exploits I enjoyed when I was a young kid watching these films on laser disc (yes, things existed on that format besides “Dragon Quest,” don't judge me).  And when you think about it, even drunk me realized this movie should have sucked.  Watch Episode IV again, and you'll realize that older you finds the movie MUCH less thrilling than young you, but it's still amazing.  Even plastered-out-of-my-mind me (remember, this is post 6 hours heavy straight drinking me) was thrilled by this under-budget shlock fest of amazingness. 

            This was the film that gave us the Millenium Falcon, the Blockade Runner, the X-Wing, the Y-Wing, TIE-Fighters, the Death Star, and Star Destroyer.  It gave us Wookies, those guys who played that song at the Cantina in Mos Eisely, Storm Troopers (they're technically a race, right? When you think about it?), and whatever that thing was in the trash-compactor (and I swear to God, if you say “What about Hutt's?,” in the world I like to believe in, which some doctors call my “delusional fantasy-world,” I'll stab you in the shin for referencing a version of the film after the VHS version including the extra scenes added years after the original release, and judge you for watching a version post the “blue-tinted-film-corrected” one, which I also own on laser disc).  Even through time and Internet I can feel you judging me.  Fuck you.

            Don't believe me this film should have sucked?  Look on imdb.com and read the short plot summary.  If you looked at a film on Netflix today, and saw that description, you would probably go right past it and look for something a little post the year 2000.  It was made with a laughable (by today's film standards anyway) $11 million, and as of last year had made over $775 million (source imdb).  That's just about unheard of. 

            For some of us, Episode IV WAS our childhood personified.  Forget the cartoons we loved, the action figures we collected, it was these films that we ended up remembering for the longest. 

            It's worth mentioning that this was hours roughly 7-9 of heavy drinking.....so.....good thing I've seen this film so many times in my life.

Episode V:  The Empire Strikes Back

            Land-speeders, Taun-Tauns, AT-AT's, and Vader is Luke's father.  Also Lando Calresian.  Need I say anything more?  OK, how about the asteroid-worm monster?  Did I mention Lando Calresian?  And the first introduction to Bobba Fett that we actually care about?  And this was the film where we, as children, had our minds fucking BLOWN when Vader said, "Luke, I AM your father."  (If that was a spoiler for you, why are you reading this article rather than watching the films so you won't be wrong anymore?).

            I don't think I've been as shocked by a plot twist as this one.  The only one that comes close was the first time I saw The Usual Suspects and found out who Kyzer Soze (sp?) was.

            Once again, a film that should have sucked, but we still love.  Still don't believe me?  How many Star Wars games have you played where you look forward to the Hoth mission where you get to tie up an AT-AT's legs with the Land-Speeder's tow cable?  Case = settled.

            How many beers have I had?  Mixed drinks?  …....fuck, I love Star Wars......and alcohol.....

Episode VI:  Return of the Jedi

            If I was a lonely, sad individual of a nerd I'd talk about the Princess Leia Slave-Girl Outfit.  You know, the one you wish you girlfried/some random chick at the party would wear.  Maybe on a special occasion…...but I'm not that lonely, sad individual, so I won't…..God that's a hot outfit......

            This was the film that many of us deemed the end of all things Star Wars (because anything that starts with “In the extended universe” is complete bullshit).  We had land-speeders, Ewoks (just ignore the Christmas Special), another Death Star being blow'ed up (this time by the Colt .45, the start of all great ideas/poor decisions simultaneously,  spokesperson), and Admiral Ackbar (only now that we're old enough to appreciate Internet memes).

            Admit it; when you were a kid, you watched this film to see an AT-ST (or Chicken-Walker for you plebians) get smashed in half by two logs and to see the Millenium Falcon fly through the middle of a moon, o shit I mean space station, to blow it up in an 8-year-old's version of bad-assdom.  And to see an A-Wing take out a Star Destroyer.  And maybe whatever the fuck that little guy was who flew with Lando Calresian (what the fuck was that guy? (tell you what, you tell me what species that little guy was, and I'll tell you what sex with a woman is like (it's great by the way).)). 

            So in conclusion....what the fuck was my point in doing this?  Was it proving how awesome Star Wars is?  ….right?  …..Or was it how being drunk is awesome?  …...Or how it's not?  …...Or how the two combined.......fuck it.  Watch Episodes IV-VI, maybe Episode I.......fuck, drink enough and 13+ hours of movies can become the most entertaining thing you've done in a while.

 

            Enuncia is a lonely, sad individual who likes to get drunk and create content for a random drunken-movie-review site called Tanked Matinee.  When he's not busy being bored, he's busy getting drunk and trying to entertain random strangers on the Internet at his own expense. 

Read 96549 times Last modified on Monday, 10 December 2012 00:30
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Tanked Matinee is the place to go for good drinking movies. What do we mean by that? Simply speaking, we evaluate and recommend entertainment media based on how much fun it is to watch with friends on the sofa and a cold beer in hand.

Everyone knows "The Godfather" is a great movie, but is it as great to drink with as "Roadhouse?" We can appreciate "Citizen Kane" as a masterpiece of cinema, but is it as good a centerpiece for your party as "Santa Clause Conquers the Martians?"

Tanked Matinee appreciates film as art, but when you're kicking back on Friday night with a tall Rum & Coke, you're not looking for art, man, you want to be entertained. We're here to recommend the best movies for your night in, whether it's a big party, small get-together, or just a quiet night alone with a bottle of wine or three.

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